I’m writing you from my business law class, after a couple of especially trying days. Yes, I’m taking a business law class, even though I’m already a lawyer, because I had to switch one of my day classes for a night class, and, frankly, I could use the easy A. Some of it is interesting, though. For instance, we’re currently covering the 1973 Watergate scandal, in which the President of the United States of America, Richard Nixon, unsuccessfully tried to cover up his acceptance of illegal campaign contributions, and the lid was blown off of the common practice by hundreds of private companies of using bribery slush funds to illegally curry favor with legislators and other government officials.
As you no doubt know, we lost our first match of the season yesterday. We played uncharacteristically badly. We missed tackles, we failed to knock our enemies down, we hit weakly, our armour fell apart easily, we displayed glass jaws, and we exhibited no sense of urgency to get back onto the pitch when we were knocked out. We got shut out. It was completely embarrassing.
After the match, Coach Jest berated us for our lack of aggression. He literally pulled out pillows and started hitting us with them. To make it even worse, he singled me out for inflicting the only casualty of the match, which my teammates didn’t seem to appreciate. I could hear Freddie behind me muttering about the dodges I failed during key moments and my getting knocked out.
This morning, I went to look for Coach Jest in his office to share some of the offensive plays I’ve been working up for our must-win match next week against the Reptile Dysfunction. He wasn’t there, but I noticed a crumpled-up piece of paper on the floor. I picked it up. It said this:
Coach Serious Jest,
Your announcers commented that Nuffle had chosen what side he wants, but…Don’t you think it’s strange that the goblin referee took your bribe and still threw your player out? Didn’t your team’s armour break much more easily than usual? Weren’t those mankinis harder than dwarf armour? Didn’t your team play uncharacteristically soft?
That ref was paid more gold by someone else. Meet me at the manhole behind your cafeteria at exactly noon. The fate of the MML lies in the balance. Tell no one. One or more of your players may have been compromised.
“SJ”? Why would Serious Jest write a letter to himself? Is he crazy? Is his obsession with the universe finally confining him to a world of his own? I looked at my watch, and it was already 11:59 a.m. I ran to the cafeteria, but by the time I located the manhole, no one was in sight.
I don’t know what any of this means, but life was a lot simpler when I played for Butcher’s Cut. We have to win next week, no matter what it takes. Because everything I’ve been through can’t be for nothing.
Todd a.k.a. Ham Shank a.k.a. The Narc
P.S.: I think my teammates peed on the fruits I received from Royalty last week.