Dignity Falls in the Final,
by Alan Mittag
True to my job as team Archivist, I accompanied Dignity to The Graveyard, the rundown stadium of Los Pumas. The stadium seemed to greet me with open arms, as I immediately tripped over a loose board and fell, plunging my hand into an exposed nail. Tenacity helped me up to my feet, his eyes saying the same thing I was thinking. What are we doing in this dung heap when we could be at Grandiose Majesty?
Coach Sestonn didn’t seem bothered by the conditions. He immediately went to the office to haggle over inducements, as Los Pumas was bringing a greater team value to the match than Dignity could. When Coach Sestonn returned he said, “We got a good deal on an extra doctor who was kicked out of some other league, and Bloodweiser will be sending two of their babes to assist us in the knock out box.”
The team cheered. Everything was looking good.
And then the babes showed up. One was a wood elf, long legged, with tousled hair, an eye that didn’t open all the way, and her two front teeth missing. And she had a cough that made my spine quiver. The other babe was, and I’m not making this up, an Ogre. Both babes were dressed the same, in two piece swim suits that seemed to show every flaw, and in the ogress’s case, every muscle.
Coach Sestonn palmed his face when they arrived. Tenacity cocked his head to the side like a confused puppy. Eccentric said what everyone was thing, “The East sucks!”
But it was game time, not complain time. So the team went out to meet Los Pumas on their home field.
Dignity received. Physique hit one of the Pumas’s catchers so hard his eyes rolled up in his head.
And then everything fell apart.
The catchers couldn’t maintain their footing due to the poor quality of grass, and trash, that seemed to grow spotty across the field. Los Pumas however, excelled at field control. They knew where every bit of trash and pile of dung were like the back of their hand, and they did an excellent job making sure there was no available receiver. Royalty had to hold onto the ball and wait. And wait. And wait. Then a monster charged him from halfway across the field. Royalty held fast though, and the monster could not bring him to the ground. …until he tried to escape and the monster knocked his feet out from under him. A few seconds later, that monster was in the end zone with our ball!
Coach Sestonn yelled at the referee. He argued that that “Thing” was clearly not human. But the referee didn’t want any of it. Then Coach Sestonn argued about the filth on the field. The only result was a warning, “If you don’t shut your stupid trap, you’re going to be the next pile of trash on the field.”
Coach Sestonn walked away, words echoing Eccentric’s original comment.
The Pumas kicked again, but this time Royalty was able to get the ball to Funny for a reasonably quick score.
Dignity set up for their kick. The Pumas set up to receive. Coach Sestonn gave the command for Funny to use his new kick skill and put the ball back in the corner. But Royalty stood in his usual spot, ready to send the ball to the other half of the pitch.
“Where the Hell is Funny?” Coach Sestonn said, turning to check the KO box. Nope. The injury box. Nope.
“I’m right here, Coach.” Funny called from the line, staring up into the eyes of the Pumas’ ogre. “Don’t worry, I got this guy.”
Funny went straight to the KO box.
The Pumas gave the ball to their monster, and then caged in around him. That ball wasn’t going anywhere. Physique put a couple of humans in their own KO box while the rest of the elves, already outnumbered, did what little they could to stall the cage’s advancement.
Then the Pumas thrower stood open on the back of the cage. Physique locked in and charged, but only managed to shove him back. The returning blow was rough, and Physique went to the KO box. The monster drove his gigantic form through Tenacity and scored the ball. 2-1.
Coach Sestonn said, “This isn’t over yet. Those two babes will get our guys back on the field.”
Physique was getting a foot massage from the wood Elf babe. And the Ogre babe was holding Funny by the throat as the elf’s feet kicked, trying to reach the ground. Coach Sestonn and I ran over just in time to hear Funny say, “Just… like… that….”
“What the Hell are you guys doing?” Coach Sestonn roared. “Get your asses on the field!”
The referee blew his whistle. It was too late. With Funny in the clutches of the ogress, Royalty was forced to kick again.
A few minutes went by. It seemed there was nothing Dignity could do to get the ball away from Los Pumas. And then… a miracle. The Pumas’ thrower took his pass and Eccentric slipped into position. INTERCEPTION!
Then Eccentric slipped in his attempt to escape with the ball and got a face full of what I can only assume was the remains of their last game’s porta potty.
Los Pumas scored. 3-1.
Coach Sestonn gathered up his things and walked away muttering. “The East Sucks.”
Congratulations Los Pumas! A great match! – Sestonn
Ogress picture was found on google and borrowed from https://www.google.com/url?sa=i&rct=j&q=&esrc=s&source=images&cd=&cad=rja&uact=8&ved=0ahUKEwj86KDF6PjOAhUB74MKHbgmBV8QjRwIBw&url=http%3A%2F%2Fwww.coolminiornot.com%2F275124&psig=AFQjCNEk3Mz9fi9EWR5iiWG4FT4l88EqAg&ust=1473185135041891 Thank you!