3/31/16 – Squid alarm ring early. Game day!! War Pig kick last night’s conquered sows from bed, spit blood, sharpen teeth, don armor. Armor smell good. Smell like…victory (burnt bacon and manure).
War Pig drive brand new MasOrcati to meet up at Pork Attack Battlewagon. War Pig push past legions of delirious fans, ignore requests to grace them with his branding iron.
On bus, throwa boi Chuck Bacon turning spit for traditional pregame team barbecue: 1 horse, 1 man, 3 giant boar. War Pig eat lightly, save room for elf flesh. Nevermoor Ravens waiting…War Pig prefer dark meat.
Battlewagon arrive at The Fatness (Pork Attack home turf), team find locker room. War Pig remember these elfs from Season 2. Shameful 1-1 tie. Shamefuller nearly empty elf maim/dead box. War Pig pull on mask, enter battle trance…
Sky clear, fans shriek, drum beat, whistle. Pork Attack kick. Coach Bort scream for War Pig to hang back, smush intruders, but sneering elf scum lure Pig into their half. Sneaky elf star Taldrir run down sideline, score. War Pig scream rage.
Elf kick back to Ork. War Pig spy Taldrir over the front line, laughing and smirking. War Pig charge, bend elf blitzer sideways. Snap snap good crack, no more touchdown for Taldrir this game.
Whistle go, halftime, 1-1 scoreboard say. Only one body in elf hurt box. “More bash, more smash!” Coach Bort screech in locker room. “Half 2, we cage, we crush, we kill! Then we win.”
Early half 2, all starts go good. War Pig fighting, across pitch come Sweet Elf Death Yell. Brother Hamhock slay elf kicker!! War Pig inspired, answer Yell with Big Bass Rage Gurgle, promptly wound elf harlot Edwina. Next turn Pig knock out another Raven.
Half 2 melt away. Elf maim/dead box fill up. Chuck Bacon score turn 16 for the win. Waaaaaaaaagh! War Pig bask in early season glory. Praise Nuffle. Praise Gork n Mork!