Hi Dear Diary, as season 6 is on the way and is (still) very disputed, Coach Stunty asked me to write a report about our next opponents, the Green Tied Tight Pants.
Last year, we played them in a pacific state of mind, lining up 6 loners to make sure we wouldn’t be a threat to there future path through playoffs, to make sure we wouldn’t injury one of them, in respect for their good season. But they didn’t hear things that way, and used those subs not only to get a free win, but also to wreck half of our innocent team. My cousin died in terrible pain, such as Witch Better Have my Money ; Xiaoyan had a bit more luck, as she « only » had to leave the team after a terrible injury that changed her forever (yes, losing a nipple during the operation is what we call « being changed forever »). The rest of her body was okay, but Stunty stated that « a good witch must rely on her two boobs or she’s not a witch ». There Probably are shady sponsors things lying under this decision. But still, all of this was still bearable for us ; we’ve seen worse. But the thing, THE THING, that we’ll never fogive them, is way worse than all this gathered : they used a jasmin flower to illustrate the threat we represent to them !!!! We MUST beat them this time, no matter how dirty we have to go for it. That’s how Stunty came to ask me a special report about them. I worked hard, and here is the result of those hours of labour.
1) Green Tied Tight Pants : The Origins
Were do they come from ? Well, the clue is in their name. At the beginning, they were just a bunch of stupid bullies (yes, that didn’t change that much since then). Yes, but the thing is they weren’t the most violent bullies around, they were actually mistreated by a great band of Dark Elves, The Beats Creapers. Those guys had a passion fo steeling the orcs’ pants, every single time they weren’t paying attention to it. So the only solution they found to keep their pants (and thus their dignity, but that’s another team story, oh wait… I’m getting confused here) was to wear them tight and to tie them together when removing those. Don’t believe me ? Just go check it out when they go to bed. Too afraid to do that ? Ha ! Believe me on words, then.
2) Their Results
They will say they reached playoffs every season. I will say they’re as good as us : They never won the MML. But they already tried five times, whereas we only did three attempts. And we won season 4 Bloodweiser Bowl. Yeah, I think compared to their serial losers path, our results look like jasmin to them… We are sweetly sliding on a jasmin way throughout the MML when they just struggle with fake hopes. I just realized that if I keep on studying them, I’ll soon turn out and cry about how rotten is that team’s life.
3) Their Roster
Funny thing about the word Roster, Dear Diary : did you know that there’s a french word that became a verb, which is very close to roster, « Rouster » ? Rouster means beating someone (or a team) very hard, like an 8-0. Dunno why, But when it comes to Tight Pants, I always confuse between their” roster” and “rouster”. Must be a sign about our future game’s result. A few more things about their players though, as they all look a bit psycho :
– There’s a Blitzer that keeps on believing he’s a skink, and runs the same way. It’s so ridiculous that it’s funny to see, but still, he’s fast.
– There’s a black ork that was schizophrenic. The only way they found to put order in his brain was to operate him and make him become a black orc woman called Louise. He looks better now, but still, I’m sure this operation will leave him a few psychological scars. For example, the number of his car crashes increased by 400 % since he’s been… changed.
– There’s a thrower. No, nothing more about him, the simple fact that an orc can attempt to throw a ball is enouh to make us laugh all day long.
– There’s a troll, Big Mo ; don’t know a lot about his gameplay, but I know he spends his time off studying famous greek and german philosophers. That would explain why their coach hates him, as all things that are a bit « elaborated » and « refined ».
4) The Game Plan
Ok, here’s how we’ll beat them : we’ll score one more TD than them ! Can’t tell you more about it now, because of secrets and stuffs, but this is the plan. Awesome, he ?
That’s enough losing against them !!!!!
Another great work from Gaesmal, your History/Gossip/Tactic/Vicious/Funding assistant.