ONCE UPON A TIME, there was a big, strong, hard-hitting wight. He played on a pretty badass MML Farm team, coached by a pretty badass coach. They had no filter. They spoke their minds. They were raw and uncut. This wight wore his hair long. He liked to walk around bare-chested and show off his tattoos. He didn’t care what others thought of him.
One day, an opposing fan yelled at the wight from the stands after his vicious hit permanently crippled an opposing player. The fan screamed that his “mighty blowj– tactics” were “bad for the game.” The wight looked up at the fan, zeroing in on him amidst the thick crowd (how did he know?). The fan went white with fear. Then the wight broke out into a hearty laugh. It was deep, it was loud, and it bellowed throughout the stadium. The entire crowd went silent. The wight screamed in his ghastly, raspy voice, “YOU’RE JEALOUS AGAIN!” Then he went on kicking the opposing player until his coach finally had his teammates restrain him…it took damn near all of them to get it done. Since then, he was known as Jealous Again.
It wasn’t long before Pro teams came knocking. A long line of coaches appealed to his coach, ReznorRulesYou, hoping to buy “Jelly’s” contract. They offered Rez gold; they offered him the contracts of talented wood elf players; they offered him female companionship; they even offered him swag of an ancient team named the “Steelers,” who hailed from one of the most desolate places on the planet. But one coach knew how to get through to him.
Serious Jest waited until Father’s Day to approach Rez. It was Rez’s favorite day of the year, and Serious knew that Rez would not refuse a favor on this very special day. He complimented Rez on his fine training program, paying due respect to his penchant for increasing players’ abilities. He commented about how nice it must be to be a Daddy to so many successful MML players. Rez couldn’t stop talking about how proud he was of his boys, who represented him and his “philosophy” so well throughout the MML. He was bubbling over with excitement! Serious struck while the iron was hot; Rez jumped at the chance to spread his seed to the Hopeless Necromantics!
Jelly had mixed feelings about his new assignment. He was sad to leave his badass team and his badass coach for a team that had been on the decline for the past couple of seasons. Season ticket sales were at their lowest point that they had ever been for the Romantics in the Pros, and the rumor was that Serious, distracted by his personal life, was not the coach that he used to be. His new coach assured him that he would be the spark to light the fire back under this team’s ass, but the rumor was that similar promises had been made to previous transfers Shawn Michaels and Merodach the Roarer, and they had both died horrible deaths on the field as their team failed to adequately protect their flanks. In fact, the wight he was replacing had been forced to play multiple seasons with a bum knee that made his body a ticking time bomb to implode on the field (although, by all accounts, Deadpool’s skill set was deadly and he had served well). And then there was the matter of the current team captain, The Princess Bride. She was beloved by her teammates, but the team had gone from perennial postseason contenders to regular relegation candidates under her “leadership.”
He longed to make his mark in the MML Pros…to inspire jealousy on a world-wide level. But he wasn’t into coddling a bunch of whiny has-beens, and he sure as hell wasn’t into losing. No, he would whip these rom-com-loving wastes of corpses into shape if it was the last thing he did…and he would make opposing fans…JEALOUS AGAIN.