Leaked transcript of Coach Serious Jest’s Season 3, Week 3 post-game speech to TMNL

Everybody pick your heads up! Pick your heads up right now! I told you this was gonna be a tough game. I told you that humans are resilient. You knock ‘em down, they get back up. You break their hearts, they grow ice in their veins. You make ‘em wait too long for a Blood Bowl match, they troll you, worse than an orc team, for months on Facetome.

Yes, we probably should have won this game. Yes, there are things that we all could have done better, myself included. But you know what? We fought hard out there! 59 successful blocks to the Gladiators’ 29! 2 knockouts to their 0! We were literally one step away from victory! 87% of the time, Spermadactyl escapes Fat Tom’s sausage fingers in Turn 14 and glides into that cage already set up down the field for an easy score in the 15th. On this particular day, though, that ugly ogre must’ve limbered up, or sacrificed a gnome to Nuffle…or whatever…my point is, there are some things you can’t control, and it could’ve been worse. Thanks to Dr. Omaulu over there, Ornithop0wna’s collar bone is still intact! As you all learned before this game, our sisters, the Manhatin Lizards, just lost Killie Jean King earlier today, in their first Farm match…against another human team, the Naples Brigands. Unfortunately, Manhatin can’t afford an apothecary yet, and there was nobody to bring Killie back from the dead.

*Silence falls over the locker room for several seconds.

Look, we still have the net-points advantage on Gottlieb, so this tie still leaves us ahead of them in the Wicked Forest. We’re # 1, they’re #2. So, if this tie leaves a bad taste in your mouths…if you’re itching to get another crack at the Gladiators, take comfort in the probability that you will see them again at the end of the season for the conference championship.

But for now, take your frustration out on these rookie elves we got next week.  Since our stadium mates beat those freaky BDSM elves out of the league last week, we get some woodies from the challenge league next. Rumor is that they all share a tree named Mary Jane, who leaves them hungry, sleepy, and confused.  As a result, they didn’t win either of their challenge league games.

But DO NOT sleep on these guys. My contacts in the challenge league tell me that, before games, they all get with this other floozy named Molly, and she leaves them all happy, energized…and horny.  So watch your asses out there next game…literally.  And be ready for these little faeries to be jumping and dancing all over the place while their DJ plays techno music on the sideline. Don’t get distracted or hit by their glo sticks; I don’t know what’s in them, but it looks sticky.

Gruntosaurus, you’re working tackling drills all week. We’re gonna hit these suckers hard next game, and make sure they STAY down! Make our League Apothecary work harder than he’s ever worked next week!

This is our conference! Let’s show everybody Ninjas ain’t playin’! Now before we walk out of this locker room, I wanna know: ARE WE…THE MEANEST!?”

*Team answers in unison: “SHO’ NUFF!!”

ARE WE…THE PRETTIEST!?

*Team answers in unison: “SHO’ NUFF!!”

ARE WE THE BADDEST MOFOS LOW DOWN AROUND THIS TOWN!!!??

*Team answers in unison: “SHO’ NUFF!!”

WELL WHO ARE WE!!?

*Team answers in unison: “TMNL!!”

WHO ARE WE!!?

*Team answers in unison: “TMNL!!”

I CAN’T HEAR YOU!!!!!!

*Team answers in unison: “TMNL!!!” Locker room erupts in roars and hisses, Smashceratops rams a row of lockers out of the ground. Tyrannosaurus Flex throws a 1-ton dumbbell through a wall. Velociraper begins urinating on a team picture of the White Owlz featured in Just Score magazine this week.

Now get outta here and enjoy your weekend! Blow some steam off! Spermadactyl, smack that pretty reporter on her ass for me tonight!

*Spermadactyl replies, “Picking her up in an hour…along with the green one.”