“How can there be anybody out here, this has got to be a prank from the office” I muttered to myself. The sun could barely light up the forest with all the clouds of dirt and cheap slime. I cursed for the 50th time as I tripped over another giant patch of clumped up dirt. These piles were everywhere around here and it was just getting ridiculous. I tried to kick one away but it stuck to my shoe and wouldn’t come off.
“This is exactly what they’re talking about but I still don’t see anyone…I’m done trundling through this stupid forest.” I said,instantly realizing what was going on.
“Can you read my lips while you’re running circles around me, or are you gonna quit F’Orc’n around so I can help you?!” I shouted out into the emptiness of the dirt and trees. I knew he was there, who knows how long he had been following me, completely silent the whole time…
Silence. “I’m here to help you if you’ll just stop screwing around for a minute!!!” Silence. “This is ridiculous, are you going to just taunt me all day?!” I was getting annoyed at this point, and didn’t seem to be making any progress.
Ok one last attempt here… “You really should come speak to me…I just want to talk to you about some new….GREASE!!” I shouted the last part into the woods and almost like one of the many spooky warlocks who loved to do invisibility pranks at the office he appeared in front of me!
He wasn’t an intimidating figure…short, slight, with a catchers mitt nearly the size of his head, and clearly wasn’t all together if you know what I mean. The first thing that hit me though was the smell…the sheer FORCE of the stench nearly knocked me on my rear! No wonder the Guy never got injured, those blocking him were losing their lunch by the time they got close enough to hit him!!!
He was just standing there, staring at me, eyes unblinking. Was he even really paying attention? There was a dull glassy look in his eyes that made me wonder yet again whether the office had made a mistake…
“I’m here with an offer for you Greased Up Deaf Guy!” “You see all these clumps of dirt?!” I picked up one of the clumps, and pulled it apart. The cheap greasy residue holding it together stretched into long strands and snapped as I tried to make my point.
“This is truly pathetic, and not worthy of someone of your legendary stature!!” He still hadn’t blinked or even really acknowledged I was there since appearing from the darkness of the trees.
Ok fine then, I’ll go full sales pitch on him
“Well,you see…ahem Sir…I was sent here to discuss an offer for a sponsorship! Yes, a sponsorship! The state of the grease that you are is using is abysmal!!! You see how it clumps up the dirt instead of evenly distributing it?! SAD!! But I can help! We here at Warlock Warp-Grease thought it was a true shame that your team’s sponsor had no events or appreciation planned for the Legendary Deaf Guy’s latest achievement!! The sheer fact they’ve forced SRO!!! to play for nearly 6 six seasons with no stadium upgrades is appalling! So we have an offer for you! Use our magically enhanced grease, which will improve your performance and our sales numbers….and we will provide you with not one but TWO resident wizards for your stadium in celebration of joining the ranks of legendary players in the MML Pro!!!”
I finished plowing through the pitch, and clenched my eyes for a moment while fishing around in my pocket and held out a jar of our brand new Warlock Warp-9 Grease that we were planning the advertising campaign for GUDG on.
By the time I had opened my eyes, the jar was gone and looked like it had been liberally applied onto Deaf Guy already as I noticed the empty jar lying on the ground next to his feet.
Greased Up Deaf Guy still hadn’t moved from the spot he emerged from after I called out to him…I couldn’t gauge his reaction this…thing was like reading a wall.
Suddenly a huge smile appeared on his face and the entire forest rang out with one single dirty warcry…and I knew we had to get someone out here to record it for the opening CabalVision ads….
“YOU CAN’T CATCH ME!!!!!!”
“That means he likes it” a dirt covered Coach Rez said, appearing from behind a tree that appeared to be breathing… beaming with joy at the sight of Greased Up Deaf Guy still sprinting through the forest.