*Coach Serious Jest sits in front of Camera 1, lighting up a cigar. After a few puffs, satisfied that the cigar is properly lit, he takes a sip of the glass full of brown liquor sitting on the table next to him, then turns to the camera.*
SJ: The McMurty’s Famous Bowl was over. We did it our way. Stuck it to the man. We didn’t win, but we had each other’s backs. Unsurprisingly, the “star players” we hired let us down. Griff left the stadium before halftime.
*Scenes from the S6 McMurty’s Famous Bowl, available at https://youtu.be/bf5euGYvjes, flash across the screen*
SJ: But the Company wasn’t satisfied with our loss in the Bowl Game. Finally convinced that we would never bend the knee to its external pressure, it wanted to destroy us from the inside out.
*Camera cuts to closeup*
SJ: It all started with a sex tape: Jorg Fentleberry, a woman he met in a club named Candi, and Baldric Smutzer of Los Pumas…broadcast in the student center by a hacker. So then we find out Candi is Ham Shank’s sister…and Ham Shank flips out. Tries to run Fentleberry over with his car, destroying tens of thousands of gold pieces worth of school property in the process. Ham Shank gets himself arrested, Candi’s video goes viral…and those two end up getting what they’ve been seeking for the longest time: their father’s attention…but not in a good way.
*Cut to Camera 2, on SJ’s left profile*
SJ: Turns out their father is a big shot who owns half of Bretonnia, including a Pro Blood Bowl team. Yep, these two emotional time bombs are the illegitimate children of Archibald Drumph. Go figure.
*Cut back to Camera 1*
SJ: As you probably know, Mr. Drumph does not take kindly to negative publicity about his family. After an extended 2am Twerper rant about how he’s going to find and sue the hacker for slander, he redirects his public rage against Greendale itself. He says the school’s IT department screwed up by failing to “build a wall” big enough for the hacker to “climb over.” He says campus security “fanned the flame” by arresting his poor son, who was just “acting in self defense” of his sister’s honor…and he blames all of it on Greendale’s first dark elf dean, Balack Odrama.
*Cut to Camera 3, over reporter’s shoulder*
Reporter: Dean Odrama has also done some sideline reporting for the MML.
SJ: That’s the one.
*Cut to closeup*
SJ: So anyway, Drumph starts questioning Dean Odrama’s fitness to lead Greendale…even suggests that he’s not a citizen of the Empire, on account of his father being from Naggaroth, even though his mother is a descendant of Sigmar Heldenhammer and he grew up in Altdorf.
*Cut to Camera 3*
Reporter: And we all know Drumph’s history with Altdorf.
*Cut to Camera 1*
SJ: *shakes his head* Money talks, though, and we all know Drumph is a master of shady backroom deals. Not long afterwards, Greendale’s board of trustees replaces Dean Odrama with Fist Christie on a rainy Monday morning.
*Fade to Black*
TO BE CONTINUED…