Musings of a Dark Elf Coach

Coach Gerdleah stood on the terraces of The Witch’s Coven stadium, looking around and down onto the field then said out loud to no one in particular, “Damn we need some gold to upgrade this place”. All the gold earned in the prior season had been used to purchase Hithdrir. He was worth it (assuming he survived) but his purchase meant no improvements to the stadium.
He sat down on a seat picturing what the upgraded stadium would look like with a Beer Tent on the sidelines. Siren and Vixen had managed to convince him (after many hours of “negotiations”) that this was vital to the help them try to continue from where they left off from the previous season. he had decided to retain those players who had picked up a couple of permanent injuries in the course of the previous season as they were both still hungry to show they had the ability to rise above a couple of minor inconveniences.
He pulled out his notebook and looked at the scribbled notes he had created highlighting some of his thoughts of the teams The Coven would be facing in the coming season.
Los Pumas – great team, can play any style of game that they want to. Strong, hit hard, with talented players. Coaches Orcsnal FC on the side (Big Up The Invincibles!). We like Coach Discodavo. Only foul his players when absolutely necessary.
Who to look out for – Alaric Frej. Seriously how the Forc does a human get that good at throwing a ball? I suspect foul play has been involved in his development. Must discover what it was so we can use the same PEDs report them to the board.
Weaknesses – no Conor! He was lucky to survive us last time. Seriously considered sending a lightning bolt up his ass in the last turn of our match but knew his days were numbered.
Rodentia ad Nauseum – so fast. Those gutter runners need to be stomped on at the earliest opportunity. Beware the Vermin, they pack quite a punch (though that Rafi has clearly lost his edge. Seriously why hasn’t the coach fired him???) An ag5 linerat!! So much bloat. He too could do with being stretchered off the field though. I suspect more foul play. Rumour has it they signed up some Rat Ogre skilled at blocking in the post season. Maybe I should send a basket of cheese.
Who to look out for – Han Tavirus. He likes to hide at the back of the swarm waiting for holes to appear before sprinting away out of reach. Really wish he had died when we stomped on him in our game last year. Still he will remember that!
Weaknesses – they’re rats! They get injured easily.
Yate Yobz 2.3 – unpredictable. They like to throw the ball which is very unusual for orcs. That an orc team even know a ball is used in the sport is astounding! They are also big and mean. Need to be cautious when approaching them.
Who to look out for – Rokk. With blodge, ag4, mighty blow and tackle he can do it all. Scored against us last season the SOB!
Weaknesses – The troll is useless! Keep him separated from his buddies and he will stand around picking his nose. (written in different blood several days later) They fired the troll! For Forc sake! How did they know this was an issue? Must keep my notebook on me at all times.
The Green Tide Titans – Even bigger and meaner than the Yate Yobz! Rumour has it Coach Thunden and Doneagle’s share the same supplier. Surely Coach Thunden should also be under investigation? Why has he escaped scrutiny? Can’t let them get near you. Need to make sure my team works on their dodging skills in the lead up to the game. Rumour is that they sacked the troll. Jeez these orc coaches are wising up. Big Mo is still listed in the squad release information!
Who to look out for – GORBAG!!! He must be targeted at all costs. He’s as fast as our fastest player and pretty slippery. Need to stomp him and remove him from the field.
Weaknesses – Gorbag. Such a diva, he always needs the ball. What would the coach do if he was removed from the field?? Also they seem to go all “weak” when they face our filthy half cousins. Sure the stench is over powering but who knew orcs cared about such things. Maybe we should spy on the Owlz to find out what the secret to their stench is and rub it on our players before the game? Siren and Vixen might kill me if I suggest it though. Hmmmm.
Walking Dead Reanimated – THEY JUST REFUSE TO STAY F’ORCN DEAD! How many injuries and deaths have we inflicted on their training teams when developing Hithdrir and they just keep on getting back up for the next drive? Same with the bloody Necro too. These Necromancers are providing almost 100% success rate against me. New tactic – hunt down the necromancers before the game, chop them up, burn them, BURN THEM.
Who to look out for – Join Us! strength 6, blodge mummy. RUN AWAY.
Weaknesses – The ghouls. They die. Kill them all. They stay dead.
Bill Cowher Power Hour – Coach has been stuck in prison for some time. Can’t have helped their preparations for the new season. Then again, they will go back to basics. Avoid fancy plays and try to slaughter us. Why us? Sure their potential new signing was “accidentally” stepped on pre-season, but why would you carry a grudge because of that? Avoid the claws. We are also chaos worshippers, why don’t we get claws?!
Who to look out for – ALL OF THEM. They are out for blood. In particular Irish Carbomb is a CPOMBer.
Weaknesses – Rumour has it they have entered some secret pact with The Titans to hunt down us and our brethren this season, so they are less likely to go for the ball. All those prison beatings orchestrated by the Orc prison guard and his team must have warped his mind. Can’t he remember that it was The Titans that destroyed his team last year and their playoff hopes at the same time? Didn’t The Titans continue to pile on and stomp on his players despite the game being out of sight?
The Blitzkreigers – our brethren. They have some AMAZING players. We need to be on our guard, they come out with some incredible plays that could leave us flat footed. So many stat ups. How do they do it? Need to discover their training methods as I’m sure they are not involved in any foul play. We are above all that.
Who to look out for – The 3 AG 5 leapers! Particularly Lildhil. He has MB too.
Weaknesses – they took a right beating last season and are coming into the year relying on wandering elves who play for free. These elves must be demented! Why would they hope to get picked to play (and die) in this play pool with no payment? They can’t be relied upon! Given this I’m sure Coach Didi can be persuaded to agree to a 7-6 win for The Coven on the promise that we don’t harm his star players. I understand that Didi relies heavily on his assistant Gaesmal, who is easily influenced by his desires. Vixen and Siren can be despatched to conclude the “negotiations”.
The coach closed his notebook and tucked it into jacket just as the team stepped onto the field to begin their final preparations for the new season. As he walked down to join them he thought of the pride and satisfaction he felt for their performances and improvements they players had shown and developed during the course of the previous season. Still more would be needed. The witches scrying had suggested this would be a season of great trials and death…lots of death.
The team turned to their coach as he stepped onto the field and saw the fire burning in his eyes and the almost crazed smile that was spreading on his face.
“LET IT BEGIN”.

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