Orcatraz: A New Hope

Dear Oppressed,

I bet they didn’t tell you.  GG never seem to let bad news get out.  But, It appears that they do have some bad news.  It all started at the championship game.  Orcatraz sent me to call the game and then moments before kickoff they pulled me from the booth and locked me deep in the stadium.  Something about not wanting me to slant the broadcast against the Kru.  So, I sat in the bowels of the stadium and a damp room with 2 Black Orc guards keeping watch over me.  The echoes of cheers and boos carried even into the dark corner that I was held in.  They must have sold every seat twice.  Many had barely a place to stand.  With so many people even a stadium the size of Dignity’s would fall short to feed crowds with this huge of a demand.

There I was in the worst seat in the house.  Slim covered walls and a smell the would make and undead coaches stomach turn.  Shortly after the start of the game a human usher came down with a bloody “Dignity” rock and a giant plate of McMurty’s.

“Hes some food, some Skaven vendor told me to bring it down to you guys and this rock came out of the stands on the opening kickoff and almost killed an Elf.  It say ‘Orcatraz’ on it… then it says a bunch of stuff in a different language.  Must be in orc or something.”

One Black Orc grabs the rock the other takes the plate of burgers.  The orcs argue over what the rock says.  Neither appear to be able to read.

I ask, “If I read it can I get one of them burgers?  I was gonna eat in the press box but, didn’t get a chance.”

“Maybe, You read first.  Then maybe you get a burger.  You better read good!”

The Orc throws the rock at me.  It hits me in the arm and stings a bit.  I pick it off the ground and rub the slime off of it.  “It’s in an Old gobbo language.  See it says, ‘Dear Orcatraz Guards.  Thanks for keeping that criminal More_Shots locked up and not letting him come back to the West.  Sincerely Iggy Max'”

That was all a lie, It was actually in broken Beastman and said, “Shot whatever you do don’t eat the burgers.  They are poisoned.  We are gonna to get you out soon, really soon.  So be ready.  Also don’t touch this rock to much either.  Some of the poison might have got on it too. Lhyut”

I dropped the rock into the slim and wiped my hand off on the wall.  The guard grabbed up the rock out of the green film on the floor , “You got my Iggy rock slimy! NO BURGER!”  He takes another large bite and talks with a full mouth of food, “Dumb chaos coach, Iggy Max is star, you a nobody!” He spent the next 5 minutes rubbing the rock clean and bragging about his “Iggy Rock” to the other guard.

Burger after burger went into the orcs.  I kept waiting for them to fall over dead.  But, nothing happened.  The game finished, still no dead orcs.  The guards did not approve of the Kru being robbed of another title.  They took little care or kindness when tossing me back into the prison cart for the long ride back to the Orcatraz boat.  One orc climbed up to drive and the other rode with me in the caged cart.  A few hours passed by and not much was said.  The only things that broke the silence was the rumbling of the my watch dog orcs stomach and the thundering flatulence of the driver.  The cart made a sudden stop and I looked out the bars and in the distance I could see the old Greendale Human Beings stadium.  We had stopped on the edge of the the Skavous Forest on the edge of the First Four region. Suddenly the cart driver sprung from his seat and ran to a tree on the edge of the road.  The poison must not have been strong enough.  It only caused the orc some irritable bowels.  The smell the orc produced was unnatural.  It was such a strong smell that I felt like I was able to see the stence.  I blinked hard to try to block it out.  When I opened my eyes it was no longer the smell that was most alarming to me.  The orc sitting across from me had lost the green in his face and was holding is stomach.  His checks pulled in and he opened his mouth and delivered a pile of poison mush into my lap that not so long ago was 4 or 5 McMurty’s.  Then i heard another grumble sound…it slowly got louder and louder.  I begged that the orc didn’t contain a second assault in his belly.  The orc heard the sound too.  But, it wasn’t him this time.  We both looked just in time to see a charging Rat Ogre appear from the top of the hill.  The massive creature kept gaining speed as he came down the incline.  His small passenger was hanging on with one hang as his other clung to a small flag.  His small voice screamed out, “WEEEEEE! FASTER! FASTER!!!” Together they crashed into the caged cart and the force of them toss the spinning in a roll.

Floor became roof and roof became floor and then they switched back again.  I felt my body collide with each side of the cart and bounced off the BOrc guard a few times in the tumble.  The cart landed on its side and then the small voice called out…


The cart was struck with a massive blow and it slid into the tree that the driver used as his bathroom.  My senses all became overwhelmed.  I felt pain all over from the crash and my nose felt like shutting down.  By skin had a thin coat of McMurty’s mush that reminded me of the slimy walls of my stadium room.  Eye blurry from bouncing off the bars.  I looked up the see the massive rat tear the caged door off the cart and reach in and pull me and the orc out.  He quickly tossed us in different directions.

“Destroy get that one!” the mini mouse chirped commands the ROgre, “This one is ALL mine!”

The small rat launched from the ogre’s shoulder and onto the driver’s face.  The cart had pinned his body and one arm against the tree.   The ROgre was making quick work of the sick Black Orc as the small rat ran about the head of the pinned orc and planned the base of his flag into the eyes and ears of the orc as the driver slapped his face over and over attempting to smash the dodgy little skaven soldier.

Small fingers grabbed my ankle.  As I looked to see who was attached to the hand I was drug off at an amazing pace.  I horned gutter runner had taken out  My body bounced over the hills at a speed that was beyond my imagination.  My body could handle no more and I passed out.

I bucket of saltwater woke me from my KOed state.

“You’re safe.  You’re free.” A friendly voice spoke to me.  “You have been thru a lot. Seek and Destroy had orders not to harm you… but, they go wild animal sometimes and do what they want. We have a boat to take you back East to your team.  You will have to stay in hiding goblin gambling sees almost everyplace. We will need help.”

I looked up to coach StuffnJunk and his team assembled around him.  “I heard about Nurgre The Lethal’s death.  I’m sorry for your loss.  You should send for his extended family.  He was raised in a nurgle area and they are a very unforgiving group.  I’m sure they would be more than willing to help fight the Goblin oppressors.  You took a great risk doing this for me.  Let me know if there is anything I can do to repay you.”

I was loaded into the boat by and impressively strong storm vermin and sent on my way.  Life would be very different for be this season.  Season 6 was full of hope and opportunities.  What will come of it I do not know.  But, for the first time in a long time I feel free from the chains of Orcatraz and goblin gambling.

With Hope,



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