Order of the Holy Squirrel
An Infestation Problem
Scampering along on two scrawny little legs and puffing like a tiny steam tank , Crusty Dirtbag the Cabal Vision goblin producer dragged his exhausted self up the central flight of stairs of the Andydome, home of the most Holy order of Squirrels , to the office of their owner and coach Sir Andy Von Cook.
All the preparations were complete, the small speaking stand with microphones ready to receive it’s host stood in the centre of the pitch , the gaggle of journalists gathered ready to let fly with their barrage of senseless and often offensive questions, the warp stone powered Vision cameras were warmed up and ready to go after a somewhat nervy start due to a temporary warp field failure that almost resulted in the stadium and all those in it being sucked into the realm of Chaos, but a few swift kicks and a prayer to Nuffle had sorted to problem .
Crusty was really not suited to doing any sort of movement beyond sitting still and the climb up the 100 mile stairs ( in his mind at any rate) was going to bring his glittering career as a Cabal Vision big wig to a heart bursting end.
Not alone was he in this mammoth climb , the squirrels who occupied the stands were nimbly springing up each step without breaking their stride, it was as if they were mocking Crusty ! Those filthy little grot sucka’z would pay dearly for the constant head ache they’ve caused Crusty, tripping up goblin technicians who then break stuff and nibbling on the power cables, the later made Crusty smile with devilish glee as a number of the wazzoks had barbequed themselves sampling the squig gut wiring connected to the cameras. They will make a tasty lunch later and no mistake.
Finally Crusty had reached the summit of stair mountain and stood before him were the large oaken door of the Squirrels coach. Pumping his fists into the air in celebration Crusty basked in his own epic achievement, his breath coming out in painful ragged rasps , eyes watering, no long able to feel anything save for the fire burning in his legs from the climb, unaware was Crusty of the gathered squirrels around him suddenly move out of the way of the great door, or to hear the heavy foot fall on the flag stone floor coming from the other side of the door itself.
Nor was he able to see said door coming straight at him ! So tired was Crusty he didn’t feel 80kg of solid oak door smash into his git face snapping his head back and breaking his scrawny neck, or the cool Autumn breeze against his clammy sticky skin as he sails through the air to land in a crumpled heap amongst the stands. Neither could he feel his blood flow from his ruptured neck filling his lungs drowning him slowly or his little green bottom, sunny side up in his mangled position with squirrels sinking their teeth into it .
Sir Andy von Cook exploded out of his office door like the comet that struck down Mordhiem. Striding with a purpose down the great steps of the Holy Squirrels home, his full plate armour gleaming like crystal and carrying a look of steely intensity on his face, he failed to see the tiny Cabal chief sail through the air like Barik Farblast firing off a Hail Mary pass .
The Holy Squirrels had started this season with fire in their bellies and were in the best shape they had ever been in. They occupied the top of the conference and not only was Sir Andy’s goal of competing in a ‘Ball Game’ for one of the lesser Pro Cups but the Play offs were in spitting distance , they just had reach out and grab it . That’s why the Old World media were here…among other things that needed clearing up.
Taking his position upon the stand the Squirrels coach surveys the press before him , each one of them poised to fire their questions at him. Suddenly the Warp stone cameras wined into life and started broadcasting the interview for all the fans to see on the High Destiny Balls at their local tavern , village hall or family run whore house.
” I’d like to thank the members of the press for joining me here today and Cabal Vision for broadcasting this press release today.” began Sir Andy
” The players of the Order of the Holy Squirrel have gone above a beyond expectation, not only will our goal of qualifying for a prestigious ‘Ball Game’ be achieved , the Play offs are now within our grasp and NOTHING shall stand in our path for glory .” grim determination was plastered over every word like there wasn’t a doubt in his mind that they were words spoken most truly.
” Our players are match fit and ready to take on the Reaper himself coach Git and his Dead Metal. ” Passion and a rage built from impending violence carried his voice across the assemble crowd.
” This is the greatest challenge we face this season , Grand finalists none the less but we shall not be found wanting ” continued Sir Andy
” Our Quest is just, Our Hearts are pure, the Order of the Holy Squirrel WILL taste the sweet victory of Gold this season ” bellowed the Coach , all the Squirrels ground staff and the little squirrels themselves letting out a great cheer of joy .
Then like a well rehearsed play the members of the press instinctively raise their hands , claws and voices to ask the coach their questions.
“Snorri Nosebiter , Grudge Bearer post .” piped up the gruff dwarf journalist .
“What do you think about the reports of coach Thundens brain finally subcoming to Nurgles Rot and his declaration that he could beat Stop Rollin’ Ones with a Halfing team?”
” Completely justifiable my height addled friend” replied the Squirrels coach
” Next ?”
” Brian Fantana, Nuln News is Good News. What’s your feeling on the new teams to join the MML is recent weeks?”
“it’s very exciting times in the MML and i’m envious of the teams who get to play in the Challenge league next season. Next ?”
” When is your marriage to Preachmelda taking place? And can i get dibs on the ‘candid’ pictures?” came a voice like a weasel sucking on caramel .
Even without looking Sir Andy and the assembled press knew well the voice of the MML’s chief reporter of all things seedy , Kris Turd . The reporter hunched low, a big smarmy grin splitting his mischievous face like a gobbo who’s stolen a Orc boss’s favourite pair of brass knuckles and blamed someone else and got away with it.
“I’m afraid her Ladyship Preachmelda is promised to another Kris, the Ladies intervention during the second half of the Squirrels match vs Speedo Hero’s when she killed the Speedo’s team captain Eilivaror by exploding his skull like a treeman stamping on a skink with that Rock she threw at him was of her own choice to make and we thank her for the assistance.”
” But stick around Kris, there’s something juicy you’ll want to hear I’m sure .” Sir Andy says with a knowing smile which puts Kris Turd somewhat ill at ease .
” Veronica Corningstone , Nufflebutter Weekly . What are your thoughts about the Mousillion Morningstars facing relegation , you yourself playing for the Morningstars and the rumours of your death? ”
This was the question Sir Andy had been waiting for , straightening his back and taking a long deep breath Sir Andy casts his eyes over the assembled press till they rest on Kris Turd like a hawk who has spotted a tasty little mouse. Unable to hide the smile breaking the corners of his mouth Sir Andy answers the question.
” Firstly I’d like to pass my encouragement and best wishes to coach Sturmjarl and the Mousillion Morningstars , they’ve fought hard and given it their all this season and for anyone to count them out would be a fool of the highest calibre.” the coaches fist slamming down on the stand to drive home his point .
” Secondly we here heard of the death of the Morningstars newest signing, AndyCuk the Squirrely. And we have discovered something quite shocking about his identity” states the Coach.
The members of the press and Cabal Vision staff share inquisitive looks with one another , upon seeing their questioning faces Sir Andy signals to staff members standing by the side lines.
Within a few moments 4 staff members are carrying a large sack across their shoulders to the waiting press , a nod from Sir Andy and the men drop the large package on the ground and the rotting corps of a man spills out , the stench was like hot sick mixed with faeces , maggots festering in the bloated flesh like sprinkles on a disgusting cake . The man was a sight to behold.
Sir Andy steps down from his stand and stops next to his rotting doppelganger. ” This man is clearly not me… But an imposter ! ” Andy’s voice cutting clear and strong across the grounds for all to hear , he reaches down and grips the underside of the dead man’s chin and pulls up, peeling off a mask which was the likeness of the Squirrels coach, to revel his true if slightly manky face ,then kicks the body over to reveal his rotten backside!
A wave of disgust passes through the crowd, but their sounds of horror are cut out by Sir Andy ” Look ! see his left cheek Dam You ! ” they all look the dead man’s rear end and a tattoo and face can be seen , a familiar face, with a stupid great big grin , the face of Kris Turd !!
At that moment they all cry out and turn to confront the reporter but he had vanished , there was no sign of Kris Turd save for a door banging shut on the far side of the stadium and the faint sound of someone falling down a flight of stairs mixed with muffled curse words.
” Kris Turd has got one of his mad followers or ‘Turdlings’ to join a team under the guise of another ” speaks up Sir Andy to the press.
” To spread mischief and to steal team secrets we can only but guess , but there could be Turdlings in more teams.” the Squirrels coach looks directly into the Cabal camera now, eyes like cold steal , voice like thunder.
“To all my fellow MML coaches beware ! There are ‘Turds’ on the loose ! “