Order of the Holy Squirrel – You can’t keep a good Squirrel down

Order of the Holy Squirrel

Can’t keep a good Squirrel down


Lightning cracked the midnight sky, the rain came falling from the heavens in a torrent. The streets of Paravon were eerily still but for the rumble and fall of the storm.

Until the shouts called out…..

” Sergeant !! SEREANT !! ”     came the cries

What private ?! Whats all this racket?! ” bellowed the night watch sergeant .

” It’s de statue ov Sir Cuban Pete sergeant ! it’s been broke open ! ”

” WHAT !! how in the Holy Squirrels name ?! ”

The assembled members of the nights watch stood by the outer wall of the Holy Squirrels home stadium along the path of Heroes.

Great golden statues of the Orders fallen players which housed each players remains in their own statue all stood proud and tall. Their noble features painstakingly recreated in the valuable metal to honour their lives given in service to the Order of the Holy Squirrel .

All save for the statue of one of the founding players , Sir Cuban Pete. His once glorious statue lying broken upon the rain slicked floor.


“PREEEE-ZENTIN FOR YOR PLESURE…… DE ORDA’  OV DE  HOLY SQUIRRIELS NEW ARMOUR !!…..Narf . ”  announced Pinky , squire to Sir Andy Von Cook in his most loudest and most importantist voice .

” Just …… Get on with it Pinky …” spoke the Holy Squirrels coach in a less than enthusiastic tone.  Sir Andy lounged in a deck chair on the pitch sidelines, a glass of fine Tillian wine in hand and his pet squirrel Mr Jingles sat up in his lap.

After the Order of the Holy Squirrels fantastic ability to get knocked out repeatedly during season 16, Sir Andy decreed that his men should find a way for the players to better protect themselves and  upgrade their armour.

So it fell to Pinky to take the lead on creating a variety of new armour for the Order of the Holy Squirrels .

Right den me Lord ” began Pinky  ” Behold me greatests creations…Narf ”

Behind Pinky standing in a semi neat row were several “test dummies” drafted from the local peasantry to trial Pinky’s new designs . The first one being a bush with legs poking out of the bottom .

Why est there a bush on my field Pinky?”

” Well me lord ” started Pinky proudly walking up to the bush with legs , holding his daft chin high.

Evry body wos moanin’ de elfies were really really  really tough so I did think whot is more tuff than some leaf armour but a big old bush !”  Pinky’s dumb grin clearly showing how pleased he was with his brilliant idea .


Urgh……. doth can he see to run anywhere ?” quizzed Sir Andy.

” Indeedy doo he can …Narf.   GO BARRY……RUN !! ” Yelled Pinky.

And off Barry the Bush went . Zigging and Zagging across the pitch ….towards the dugout……….falls down the into the dugout …….and CRUNCH !!

Urrrmmmmmm….. I broked me leg !! ” cried a quivering voice from deep in the dugout .

” Very good Pinky. What’s next ?”  sighed Sir Andy

” umm right yes me lord…Narf.  Umm dis me lord” Pinky announced pointing at a man covered head to toe in what appeared to be very old, very worn out boots.

Yoo no that saying ‘ Tuff as old boots ‘ me lord?    Well Angus ‘ere is covered in old boots .

” Where doth you acquire these boots Pinky?  You know what ?  Never mind.”

” Administer de booty toughness test ” called Pinky. Moments later the Holy Squirrels blocker Drew Peacock stepped up on to the field and stood  in front of the boot covered peasant Angus and…….KER-SPLAT !!

One mighty blow from Drew Peacock and Angus was flattened.

” By thy Holy Squirrel . Remove that retch from thy field ” spoke Sir Andy to which a group of peasants ran up a dragged off the boot covered Angus .

” Urrmmmmmm my legs still broken ! ………… I’m …..I’m going to try and stand on my other leg.”

SNAP !!!

” Arrrrggggghhhh……………..I’ve broken my other leg !!” came the cry from the dugout.

Right well I pray thank thee Pinky for this extraordinary display but we are done here .” announced Sir Andy standing

” But…but yoo not seen me armour made ov month old bread rolls yet!”  Protested Pinky

” We have a Championship to win and it will take more than these child like ideas to claim glory . We need something special, something that will inspire our players to great feats of glory ” decreed the Squirrels coach

“Well then my liege . perhaps I may be of assistance ” spoke an old familiar voice .

By Nuffles hairy backside !!!! ” screamed Sir Andy.

” Yay look upon me and know me. For I am Sir Cuban Pete and I’m the king of the Rumba Beat ”







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