OS: Odie Seuss here, for ESPN, in the Teenage Mutant Ninja Lizards’ locker room, after an incredible victory over the Hissstory of Violence! This match was literally decided by a step! The stadium has erupted into riots! North Nublarian TMNL fans have stormed the field and toppled one of the goal posts! One fan I interviewed, Skrank Papale, told me that this victory will get him through the next 30 years at the Parstown factory…through all of those times his wife gets sick. The island is literally on fire…and yet, the mood was somewhat somber here a minute ago, as Coach Jest gave his post-game speech to the team. Media were excluded from the room. Gruntosaurus! Excuse me…Gruntosaurus, can you tell me anything about what Coach Serious Jest said to the team just now?
Gruntosaurus: *clears throat* Coach congratulated us on the victory. Said we played very well, skill-wise…
OS: Yes, anything else?
Gruntosaurus: Uhh, he was disappointed in our…toughness. He felt like we were pulling punches…and the other team wasn’t.
OS: Well, were you? Holding back?
Gruntosaurus: I don’t think so…err….umm…I don’t remember a lot of the match.
OS: Thank you, Gruntosaurus. Prince! Prince! A word, please?
OS: Your first MML match, and you get knocked out. Then you wake up, get back in the game, and you’re injured. In fact, your team suffered 2 injuries, while the Violence suffered none. Did you feel like the Violence were picking on you as a newbie?
Prince: Well, I’ll be back next game injury-free, and so will all my teammates, so if they were trying to pick on me, I get rougher on a brutal-dodgy-sick-meany Friday night, if you know what I mean. Now, if you’ll excuse me, I’m about to go party like it’s 2599.
OS: Thanks for your time. Greetings, Maimonychus. Just 5 armour breaks today from TMNL, the least you’ve posted in a game all season, and almost doubled by your opponent. Was your team taking it easy on the Violence?
Maimonychus: Man, you better get that camera out of my face!
OS: Uh…okay! Killmono Dragon, a quick comment for the fans? TMNL outblocked Hissstory of Violence 56-45, but the Violence racked up 4 knockouts to your 1. Was your team pulling its punches?
Killmono Dragon: *pauses* Nobody here would put their teammates in danger by purposely half-tailing blocks. That being said, I suppose, subconsciously, we could have come into this match with a little bit of “Qxuanta Nublar” on the brain, and maybe we weren’t as motivated to hurt the other side as we usually are in other matches. I mean, after all, that is my cousin on the other team…and as much as I would do what I had to do if the circumstances presented themselves…I love him, and I would not prefer that he end up dead…or even worse, lame.
OS: Do you think those feelings were reciprocated by the Violence?
KD: I think Steve Erwin didn’t get that memo. That guy is a mean son of a witch elf.
OS: Certainly. 3 of the knockouts were by him. Fortunately for your team, you stepped up and knocked someone out in the second half.
KD: Yeah, when Rexxy hurt Prince, I got pretty upset. A skink for a skink, was the way I saw it. That being said, Mikasa’s a tough guy. He was back in the game the very next drive, and he almost tied it up in Turn 16. Fortunately, he’s not Colours Jr, and he just didn’t have the speed and balance to get to the end zone. Our game plan was to keep CJ in check, and I think we did that. But, this week, I’ll be going extra hard on the heavy bag to make sure that when I knock somebody down, they stay out.
OS: Colours definitely did not look like himself out there today, mishandling the ball a couple of times early on the opening drive of the second half, leading to the game-winning TMNL touchdown. We appreciate your candor, Killmono. And now, the kroxigor that had the Norse fans in attendance chanting “Thor,” Tyrannosaurus Flex!
Tyrannosaurus Flex: What’s up, Odie?
OS: You got hit with a lightning bolt by the Violence’s wizard in Turn 15, and you just ate it!
TF: You know, I gotta be honest, Odie, I had this little crook in my neck going into this game…it was kinda uncomfortable…but that little spark just straightened it right out. Magic! I might just hire that guy to run a little electricity through my abs, too…really bring out my eight-pack.
OS: Haha, you said it! And now, the lizardman of the hour! You really played like a skink possessed out there…passing for a touchdown, penetrating what looked like an impenetrable wall of blockers to steal the ball away, and then running the game-winning TD in yourself! Amazing! Simply amazing!
Spermadactyl: Thanks, Odie. I’m glad to have played my part, but I gotta pass the credit to the rest of my team: Ornithop0wna for catching that touchdown pass; Prince for stepping up so fearlessly in the absence of Torpedoraptor, who was injured this game; and the rest of the team, who applied pressure on our opponents the entire match so I could do what I do best. Take care, Odie.
OS: Wait, I have…okay, thank you. Hold on, ladies and gentlemen, I’m being told that I am going to get a quick word with Serious Jest himself. Coach Jest, congratulations on the victory tonight!
Serious Jest: I appreciate that. My team played some good ball out there, and I’m proud of them.
OS: We’ve been getting reports that you were unhappy with—
SJ: –Did you know, Odie, that, with this victory, and, Nuffle willing, a White Owlz loss later this week, TMNL will have locked up the Wicked Forest Conference Championship in Week 6? That’s what you were going to ask me about, right?
OS: Umm…yes! And, in fact, as Coach doneagle_ was boasting to us right after the match, if you complete the sweep of his Wasteland Athletic Conference conferencemates with a win over the Green Tide Titans next week, you may have singlehandedly locked up his conference championship for him, as well, if he wins next week.
SJ: Go on…
OS: Well, if the Leaping Lizard wins its Week 7 game against the White Owlz, Coach Eagle’s team will have too many standings points for the Hissstory of Violence to catch them in the Playoffs race, even if the Violence win their Week 7 game against the Thugz of Weldrake and the WAC Championship match in Week 8. Similarly, if the Green Tide Titans lose to TMNL in Week 7, they will also have been eliminated from the playoffs…even a tie would eliminate the Titans if the Leaping Lizard wins in Week 7. And with the way TMNL is playing down the stretch, Coach Eagle’s gotta like his odds.
SJ: Hmm…it would be interesting, then, if TMNL lost to the Titans in a game that it does not have big incentive to win, would it not?
OS: I’m not sure I follow. Are you hinting that you plan to skip the match? To not show up?
SJ: No, the MML Rules prohibit conceding a match in advance. However, were I to pull the plug on the match shortly after kickoff, that would be another matter entirely.
OS: Well, wouldn’t you be concerned about the lost revenue and experience for your players?
SJ: We’re already over the League’s estimated TV Cap for Season 4, so no.
OS: Do you think the other coaches would ever let you live it down?
SJ: If you think that peer pressure has the least bit of effect on me, you don’t know me at all.
OS: What would you say to those coaches who might consider a move like that bad sportsmanship?
SJ: I would say that to suggest that not wanting to put my healthy players at risk against a bashy opponent with 5 players who have black belts in Mai-Tee-Blo, when my team has nothing to gain, is somehow cowardly or bad sportsmanship, would be either biased by selfish interests or hypocritical in nature. Doneagle_ does not have a right to have me eliminate his conference opponents. And, as far as those coaches that would claim to be some kind of Blood Bowl purists out there, I have seen a lot of other coaches use less-than-noble tactics to improve their chances of winning in this League, such as stalling drives so their opponents won’t get the ball back in game, conceding matches on the Farm to manipulate their TV, creating entire teams dedicated to winning by fouling with expendable players, and bragging about using their Week 8 meaningless games to set the League record for most ejections. So I don’t want to hear it. We all operate under the same rules, and if you don’t like it, suggest a rule change for next year. Ooh, maybe we can even call it the Serious Jest Rule. I’ll have a rule named after me. That would be cool…but until then, it’s my prerogative, and I’ll do what I wanna do.
OS: There you have it. Let the outrage and indignation begin! You heard it here first on ESPN! I’m Odie Seuss, live in your city.