After tying 2 of their last 3 games, Head coach Hezekiah87, of the Reptile Dysfunction had all of his players drug tested. We can report that all but one player failed the testing. Sources close to us said that none of the 11 players had any steroids or LDH(lizard growth hormone) in their system. One player, a saures named Utecshix, was found to have tested positive for a copious amount of cocaine.
After catching up to the head coach he had this to say:
“We are extremely disappointed. We could have really solidified our spot in the top 4 if our players had been taking the drugs they were supposed to. We put Krogquetli our team captain in charge of making sure the entire team took the drugs they were supposed to. It’s time to reevaluate our roster, if our captain can’t follow the easiest task we could give. It just doesn’t make sense, I saw him passing out pills and kroxorade at practice all week. Utecshix tried to win the game single handily against Pork Attack. With all that coke, no wonder he had no trouble picking up the ball and dodging out of tackle zones. I wish the rest of the team had followed his lead.”
Our lead investigator followed up on the coaches claim that the Krox had been distributing drugs. He was able to sneak into Krogquetli’s game bag and found a stockpile of Flintstones chewable vitamins. When presented with the bottle and asked for comment the Krox yelled “DRUGS YUMMY” and ripped our investigators head clean off.
We are not sure what implications this failed drug test has on the Dysfunction’s postseason hopes or weather this will affect their bowl eligibility status. We will have more on the story as it develops.
League Update: The MML League Office has opened an ongoing investigation into the source of these illegal substances. Further, high level talks are in place to expand the (currently non-existent) drug-testing program in the League.