Ruby Tuesday

*Serious Jest sits on a leather chair in front of Camera 3, half of the bourbon in the glass he’s holding is already gone. He drops ash from the cigar he’s smoking into ashtray on the table next to him, but his eyes remain trained on the reporter in front of him*

Reporter: The new dean of Greendale Community College, Fist Christie, is a former Blood Bowl player, right?

SJ: That is correct. I coached his last Farm team, Feel the Burn.

Reporter: He doesn’t look like a Blood Bowl player.

SJ: Yeah, he’s gained a lot of weight since his team was disbanded.

Reporter: Why was it disbanded?

*Cut to Camera 2 on SJ’s left profile*

SJ: *takes a deep breath* Shortly after I stopped coaching them, the players decided that they didn’t really want to play anymore…but they still wanted to get paid. So they started having their friends drive their biggest wagons and caravans to their home matches. But those big wagons and caravans would coincidentally all break down on the Malekith Bridge, the only way to get to the stadium. If the fans couldn’t get to the stadium…if the other team couldn’t get to the stadium…well, then there was no game to play, was there? But, under their contracts, the home team’s players still got paid. Well, it wasn’t long before the Druchii government caught on, and, while Christie was never actually convicted of wrongdoing, the team was promptly disbanded, and he received a lifetime ban from the MML as the ringleader of what came to be known as Bridgegate.

*Cut to Camera 1 in front of SJ without the reporter’s silhouette in the shot*

SJ: Now, Balack Odrama wasn’t perfect, but he was as standup of a guy as it gets. The “debt” to the Company was incurred on George Tree’s watch, the dean before Odrama. Tree milked the school dry, and Odrama was left to pick up the pieces.

*Cut to closeup*

SJ: But under Christie…it was all bets off. Suspicious things started happening.

*Cut to Camera 2*

SJ: David Kassick received an F in his final Welding project, causing him to fail the class …which pulled his GPA down just enough to make him ineligible to play Blood Bowl for Greendale according to school rules. It was a shock, because everyone knows David is an excellent welder, often customizing his own motorcycle parts.

*Cut to Camera 1*

SJ: Sandra Bland and Akai Gurley were making great strides in rehabilitating their hips—they suffered the same injury in the same match, as if their padding was coincidentally deficient in the same place. They were working with the top orthopedic apothecary in the whole Empire. Then the school informed us that it had repealed its current health plan, commonly referred to as Odrama care. The new provider refused to pay for most of Bland’s and Gurley’s continuing medical care, calling them “preexisting conditions.” They suffered huge setbacks working with the quacks that the MML apothecary’s union offered.

*Cut to Camera 2*

SJ: Rumor had it that Drumph was trying to broker a backroom deal to get Ham Shank traded to another team, but Han Shank kept sabotaging his interviews…showing up drunk.

*Cut to Camera 1*

SJ: Meanwhile, Jorg kept seeing Candi, and he got pretty badly addicted to party drugs. Also, when Drumph found out they were still seeing each other, he sent a squad of Bretonnian peasants to gang tackle him at his favorite bar and break his leg.

*Cut to closeup*

SJ: It became clear to me that there was only one way to salvage my players’ lives, before the Company ruined them all. So on a cold Tuesday evening, after regular business hours, I burst into Fist’s office. I had a long-winded tirade planned. I was going to tell him what a disgrace he was…how low he had this wouldn’t be the last he’d hear of me…but as the door slammed open, it revealed Fist standing there with the same goblin in a suit from our match against the Solus Savers, a pile of rubies on the desk in front of them. The goblin, who still had his nose bandaged, looked scared. Fist looked surprised and ashamed. I just shook my head at them and just said, “You win. I quit.” Then I walked outta there.

*Cut to Camera 3*

Reporter: How did your players take it?

SJ: I took everyone out to dinner on me, and I explained why I did what I did. Some of them were angry at me, but I told them it was important to me that they stay a team…that they keep playing even without me at the helm…or else all of our sacrifices would be for nothing.

Reporter: And how has it worked out for them so far?

SJ: With news of my “resignation,” David’s professor decided that he hadn’t understood David’s “vision” at first, but after time to reflect thought it was brilliant. His grade was changed to an A.

*Cut to Camera 1*

SJ: With me gone, Drumph was satisfied that his son wouldn’t be playing for a “loser” anymore, and he backed off…at least for the moment.

*Cut to Camera 2*

SJ: The Jorg and Candi thing kind of worked itself out…Candi ended up leaving Jorg for her new obsession, Baldric Smutzer. People who saw the sex tape (or any of Baldric’s many other sex tapes) say they could literally see why. Jorg just came home from rehab the other day.

*Cut to Camera 3*

Reporter: And what about Sandra and Akai?

SJ: *sighs* Unfortunately, after shoddy hip replacements using substandard materials, the damage is irreversible. Both of them will be significantly slower for the rest of their Blood Bowl playing days.

*Fade to Black*



*Breaking the Fourth Wall: When I first introduced the Greendale Human Beings to the Pros, I claimed that only 3 of my players were not named after people of color who had died at the hands of the police or in police custody: Ham Shank, Jorg Fentleberry, and Trayvon Martin. I was wrong. David Kassick was a white man of Eastern European descent. You can read more about who he was as a person here: You can also read about the terrible circumstances under which he was unnecessarily killed here: Police brutality happens disproportionately to people of color in the United States, but it is in no way only a problem just for those communities. It is a threat to everyone. Great strides have been made during this Presidential administration to hold those who would tarnish their shield accountable, including grants to law enforcement agencies for body cameras: I am afraid that the President-elect will roll these advances in criminal justice back to when “America was great,” and people could just be “tuned up” at will.


  1. Great story! …and about the 4th wall, we’ll just have to wait and see what happens, protest the things that we believe are wrong, and celebrate any changes that we believe are right. Maybe he will surprise us.

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