ONCE UPON A TIME, there were a couple of
big bad friendly wolves who wanted to play with a hideous cute little goblin named Iggy. They knew that one of Iggy’s favorite pasttimes was surfing on big bewbs. They had seen him cut some gnarly moves in his first match while celebrating in the crowd after a touchdown. And these wolves knew a particular tavern where one could find the most luscious, supple bewbs in all of the land.
But Iggy was being held in the dirty fraternity house of 12 green little piggies. These little piggies were particularly stingy and miserly. They wouldn’t let Iggy come out and play. They locked him up in their house made out of AV 9 and forced him to remain skinny and childlike while they stuffed their faces and farted all day. They were led by a holier-than-thou warlord who insisted that Iggy didn’t like to surf on bewbs, even though everyone clearly knew that he did. Meanwhile, the piggies themselves had pictures of naked bacon all over their house, constantly salivating over it and openly engaging in locker room talk about it.
So the heroic wolves decided it was their civic duty to put an end to this abuse. They walked right up to the little pigs’ door, knocked, and demanded that they let the poor little skinny goblin out to play. But the fat stank piggies refused. So the wolves warned them, “Either you give us the goblin, or we’ll huff, and we’ll puff, and we’ll claw your house down!”
*Hopeless Necromantics at New Orcland Grunts this Sunday, December 18, 2016, sometime in the American evening.*