The Morning Wood Bangers?

Would it be surprising to see a team named after man’s favorite morning pastime?  Probably not, but in this case that IS a typo and I’m here to talk about the newest and hottest elf team this season!  Yes Tony Bird here from Spike Magazine giving you an exclusive interview on The Redwood Rangers and their coach coming out of nowhere; a mysterious elf only known as….Fox.  A name that when first heard was written off as just another fresh meat for the grinder with the occasional chuckle after someone responds to the name with, “What does the Fox say?”

In order to even get this interview I had to go to the deepest parts of The Frightful Forest, where only the fiercest of creatures dwell in.  Not only was I nervous to venture in there, even with an escort, but I was blindfolded so as to not reveal the secret haven these rangers reside in.  Going on this unknown path through dangerous territories with dreadful screams and noises in the distance occuring every 3 minutes I could only focus on one question in my mind, “How could any wood elf, let alone an entire community, survive in this place?”.  After what seemed like hours the blindfold was lifted and what I saw took my breath away. My expectation was a morbid and haunting view, instead I saw a beautiful and peaceful sight complete with a grand waterfall and sunlight pouring into sections of the tall trees that gave a green hue of light throughout the village; which were both on the ground and in the trees.  A simple word could describe this place, tranquility. I was taken to the waterfall where a collection of rocks came out from the water; not one touching the other and each seemed cut and smoothed out to form flat and round sitting areas like a lily pad on a pond. On the largest rock sat a long silver-haired elf in meditation, he wore a simple robe in the color of red-brown with yellow circle swirls (the team colors) and a golden headband with a blue jewel in the center.  Where his robe folded his upper chest was exposed and I could see he was wearing a medallion that was mostly hidden underneath his clothes, I could’ve sworn the medallion represented a certain religion that can only be known as a chaotic god. As I sat before him on one of those rocks something caught my eye, I was only 15 feet away from the sitting man but it looked as if he was levitating off the rock! I couldn’t tell if it was just the mist from the waterfall playing tricks on me or it was sincere but before I could take a closer look the man spoke with a soft spoken voice that yet commanded attention, “Welcome to Redwood”.  “You must be xFox” I replied; his eyes opened to reveal blue-green eyes with a hint of gray inside them, “It’s just Fox” he said. “My apologies” I replied. He reached down to a small wooden bowl holding what looked like glowing blue water and took a sip, “You may begin your interview”.

First the obvious: Why would elves live in such a dangerous place and yet somehow create such a haven in a dangerous forest? “We believe in compassion, meditation, and the overall generosity to our fellow man; and we want to spread that message to the game of Blood Bowl. But we’re not naive to think we will be met with the same compassion; so we choose to live here because Blood Bowl is a dangerous sport and by residing in a place with dangers all around us we are trained to never let our guard down”.

Is that why there is an unusual amount of Guard on your team? ….My only answer from him was a slight grin as he turned his gazed into the distance.

You have so many accomplishments in so little time: Your team is tied for the top 10 of most touchdowns scored in a single season of all time (20).  Something only 3 other CL teams ever accomplished. The difference is you did it in your 2nd season, only one other wood elf team has accomplished that and it’s coach Loulizcsc and his Harrelsons on their inaugural season way back in season 5!  Do you see your team as the next Harrelsons? A modest chuckle comes out. “The Harrelsons are considered a legend by many, a team most elves of any realm can only dream of becoming. I can’t say that.  I can only appreciate what an honor it is to even achieve such a feat”.

What about your team’s resilience?  Wood elves are known for having a revolving door of players as many don’t live long enough or are healthy enough to play anymore.  This season your team has only suffered 13 casualties with no permanent injuries and only one death! Only one wood elf team in the entire league has consistently done that: Sacerdotalist and his Seathiel Treehawks.  Did you learn from his tactics? “Again it is an honor to be compared to a great legend of a team, but I don’t think it’s deserved; we’re too new for that and our fate has not been decided yet.  But what I can say is that my team trains outside of these borders into the dangers of the forest so we can be prepared on how to not only deal with bashy teams but thrive against them”. My eyes bulge out, Your training pitch is in these deadly woods? A simple nod.

Your accomplishments speak for themselves, but what about your trials?  In your first season you had 2 games against an orc opponent where you did not put up a defensive fight but gave a clear path for coaches BMF Jiggs and JimSardonic to score an easy touchdown.  Some would even say your team ran in fear. “THAT IS A MOTHER FU–!”. Fox immediately stops himself, takes another sip of his mysterious drink, and regains his composure before continuing.  “We cannot control the perception of others, no matter how desperately right they want to be, we give the same respect and love they deserve like all others.  I think I speak for all elf coaches that their first season is usually met with extremely difficult obstacles and it is sometimes better to live and fight another day rather than die in the blazes of glory.  Our current season is a perfect example of this”.

Now some personal questions:  It’s pretty rare to see a silver-haired elf in the company of wood elves.  Do you have royalty in your blood? And what kind of medallion are you wearing?  “My past will be revealed in all good time”.  After a long pause I realized that was all I was getting out of him on that subject.

What about the future? The Pros are filled with the best of the best.  Should you make it there are you ready for them? “To put it simply: No.  The coaches in the Pros are the veterans that test you in every turn of the game.  My team and I will do the very best to our ability if we ever get there. I do not have high expectations for us…..yet.”

Thank you for your time Fox.  “Good journey Tony”.

After leaving the secluded community and The Frightful Forest I felt I left with more questions than answers.  Either way, at least one question will be answered in the coming weeks: Are The Redwood Rangers just another wannabe?  Or are they a potent scoring machine to be reckoned with?

One comment

Join the Conversation