I come to you now live from the training paddocks of the Orc2, the only new decoration being many brutally tortured and disfigured types of mammal that have been nailed to all the entrances to the ground. They all seem to be the same species… it seems brown in colour with a pale face that may well have smiled once, in a creepy way. Bizarre decoration tastes these orcs!

Well here we are at the end of another regular season and the Titans have enjoyed their best ever season! One minor blip losing to the dwarves of Praag No5 in a curious match which saw 4 of the Titans star players injured in the first two turns. Goblins had been seen in the dressing room prior to the game and subsequent investigations had found the Titans armour had been switched. The treatment of goblin players by the Titans may finally have reached the scurrilous organisation known as Goblin Gambling.

 

With checks and security in place for the remainder of the season the Titans set about dismantling long time foes, the Bill COWher Power Hour and the Granitecity Grimbeards before closing out the season with a cautious 2-0 win against the Blitzkriegers. All in all an excellent season so why then when I caught up with Coach Thunden was he so morose?

“Derek, it’s been no use keeping you locked in the dungeon to protect my guys. The whole intention of a media blackout was to prevent word getting out about us and certain players we have here. That’s all come crashing down thanks to some of my fellow coaches. You may as well have your say and try and put some perspective on the jingoistic bilge that has been spouted by some in the league!”

I cautiously asked Coach T what he wanted to say…

“It’s quite simple, we’re a simple team. We play hard and then we buck the orcish stereotypes and invite the oppo in for some Dom PerignOrc or some Earl green tea. Our players aren’t great, we’re simply a team that sticks together… hell I’ve even kept Big Mo on even after some atrocious dribble games this season.

Yes we’ve managed to stumble to the playoffs, but it’s a fluke! We never win playoff games! Everyone knows this. Whoever gets us in the draw basically has a buy into the next round of the playoffs!”

I was momentarily taken aback, was this the same aggressive, rage filled despot who had ordered me confined to barracks for weeks? The sincerity and depth of feeling in this poor wronged souls expression led me to believe a significant cathartic experience has truly changed this once competitive coach. I had to know more…

 

DW      : “Coach T – this is wonderful to hear you talking so openly! Do you worry that the team will lose confidence in themselves hearing that you are predicting them to be cannon fodder in the playoffs?”

CT      : “Well Derek, what can I say, I feel like a weight has lifted. It just feels so freeing to be able to talk this way. The team? Well they’re on board with me, they understand that whilst we’ll certainly try our damnedest we are up against it and unlikely to turn the… tables.”

DW       : “What have you got to say to the coaches who you might meet in the playoffs? They’re a motley collection if I may suggest so sir. They include Coach Caven who has accused you on multiple occasions of being part of the insidious Coaches Council, Coach Hezekiah who has vowed vengeance on you for your campaign in Season two, might I say sir that was excellently run! Also of note are Coach Stu who will be looking for revenge for the pummelling you gave the Owlz this season and of course Coach Bort, Coach Sestonn, and Coach Pong! Not to mention the nuggetty new Coach Gerdleah!?”

CT      : “All I can say to the coaches I have wronged in the past, is that I am truly apologetic for any brutality levelled against your teams in my name. Coach Hez… can you forgive me for the Drumph like campaign that led to you being excluded from the playoffs in Season two? Coach Caven, I of course swear to you that I have never and will never have any interaction with the Coaches Council, does it even exist? For the rest of you coaches, I have nothing but the utmost respect for you all. Coach Bortbot, your Norse inspire everyone with their play and their heart. Coach Stu, Coach Pong – rarely have I seen elves with such grace and poise that play the game so beautifully. Coach Sestonn, the press does not do Dignity the service they deserve, the majesty they play the game with brings a little sunshine to us all. Lastly Coach Gerdleah, we’ve met a couple of times in passing… what can I say? You’re story will be a legend to us all when you clinch the title! Every races younglings will want Coven merch for Winterfest! I wish you all the very best in the upcoming playoffs!”

With that Coach Thunden exited the room, I followed after and managed to see him head off to his next engagement. To me it looked like he had just embraced the warden from the Mega Gulag, Orcatraz. They certainly seemed to know each other well, they were laughing and the Warden seemed to give Coach Thunden a present, when he accidentally dropped it I could have sworn it was a toe on a chain which Thunden then put round his neck… but I must have been mistaken.

That about wraps it up here at the Orc2… no training taking place, the Titans playing staff having been given the week off. Even Big Mo has got his act together and headed off. Come to think of it they all headed out before I was even up yesterday. Still, they’re also probably enjoying this new lease on life the same as Coach Thunden is! The playoffs may be coming, but there’s one coach and team that are more interested in making new friends than anything else. Here’s to Coach Thunden and his brand new outlook!!!!