by April O’Neil
We caught up with Coach Jest as he was leaving Elizardbeth’s Art House Theater 19 in the Blue Light District.
AO: Coach Jest, do you care to respond to Coach Schotts’ recent rant about your team?
SJ: What? Where did you…who told you where to find me? I WARNED Spermadactyl about that pillow talk! He just earned himself extra hitting drills with Tyrannosaurus Flex after practice.
AO: No, it wasn’t—
SJ: What rant are you talking about? *pauses to watch the video footage, then lets out a long sigh and shakes his head* What’s ironic is that the transcript didn’t include the part where I talked about how temperamental human beings can be. I gave a fair assessment of the match, and Coach Schotts is actin’ like a lil’ hobbitch right now.
AO: What do you say to his allegations that you’re not properly employing your skinks?
SJ: We got the ball, we scored. We stopped them; they got the ball back at the half and scored. We got the ball and, like I said right after the game, we were one step away from breaking up the wide zone for the game-winning TD…from the same spot we scored a touchdown from in the first half.
AO: Well, what about Coach Schotts’ contention that the Gladiators would just as easily have won if they had one more turn?
SJ: If it had been earlier in the match, we would have played it more conservative. Of course I factored what turn it was into my assessment of what could go wrong before I called for Spermadactyl to make that dodge attempt.
AO: And the failed dodge attempt by Mikael Vogin Jr. at the end of the first half?
SJ: If Coach Schotts is claiming bad luck on that play, he might want to think back to a few seconds before when Gruntosaurus laid a two-dice block on Vogin and failed to dislodge the ball…or in Turn 6, when Gruntosaurus tripped, leaving an opening for Vogin to get to that sideline in the first place? Or how about the fact that Vogin’s dodge attempt wasn’t easy at all?! Gruntosaurus had him pinned up against that sideline like Spermadactyl pinned you up against that bathroom wall in the club last night!
AO: Okay, that’s…inappropriate…
SJ: He got one thing right, though…we didn’t hit them hard enough. Maybe because they were dancing around and running away all match. Maybe they’ve been partying it up with those wood elves and their friend Molly. After all, my sources tell me Coach Schotts has been taking some white girl skiing a lot…maybe that’s why he’s been so erratic lately. In any case, let’s see if lightning strikes twice in the conference championship.
AO: You’re dropping popcorn from the bottom of your…is that a hole in the bottom of your popcorn bucket?
SJ: Umm…you want some popcorn?