Derek Winkleberry your bruised and battered correspondent here after an enforced absence… I mean wonderful hospitality of the Green Tide Titans! My following report is split into two… like my head almost was… the dangers we reporters go through just to bring you the internal workings of these sporting demi gods! One part is after the playoff disaster and the other is… well you’ll see.
“Right… ok if you hadn’t guessed it the mood here is pretty sombre. The Titans losing in the playoffs for the third season, this time to a bunch of namby pamby elves who they just couldn’t get their mits on. Directly after that game Louise snatched me up and bundled me into the back of a cart. My mind was racing… was I about to be the object of Orcy love!?!? Thankfully the answer was more mundane and less…gunky.
I was informed in no uncertain terms that there would be a media blackout until such time as Coach Thunden lifted the embargo. To say these greenies were perturbed would be a considerable understatement! They were as irked as an angry pirate!
There was a rather unseemly kerfuffle between Gorbag, Robshank and Big Mo… Big Mo coming out on the, shall we say, more bruised side. The cause of this argument can only be speculated but the two blitzers were certainly intent on persuading the troll that his future lay away from the Green Tide Titans. Big Mo seemed perplexed at this treatment and as he went to retaliate… had one of his numerous brain farts and stood there agape as Robshank pushed him under the wheels of the team cart. This was all I saw as one of the VIP sacks was deposited over my head, fortunately Louise had scented it wonderfully well with Orc Spice.
I kept a low profile for a few days at the Orc2 which very much resembled the home of a broody bunch of prepubescent teens who had had their cereal peed on. Eventually I summoned up the courage to ask Thunden about my release and what had actually gone on with Big Mo…
When I woke up I decided I’d try to talk to one of the other members of the team instead. Finding little respected Orc lineman, Da Dokta (can only assume he earnt this name through his frequent need of one) I asked him the same thing…
“Boss says you ain’t no prizzner, yorr a Gesst intcha! But nah I don’t gots the keys mate, ask yet girlfriend!!! As for Big Mo… I ain’t seen him arahnd cheef. Last I saw im he was carted off to the Orsepital. Mind yoo he dint do much against dem elves did he? Da boss has been threatnin him all seazun. Maybe e’s had enuff? His pic-cha is still on da team wall doe. Ay Derek I see Louise waving atcha!!! Off yoo go!!!”
Beating a hasty retreat before I was the object of more smothering affection, I hid in the team strategy room… a dusty place not much used. However in there I noticed there were marks in the dust… someone had been in here!!! The old team board had all of the players names up there but there was something missing… Big Mo wasn’t up there, there was some other name I didn’t recognise… Gorkber… I hadn’t seen or heard of him before. It wasn’t long before I noticed Big Mo’s name cast on the ground amidst the Pepperorci and Orcazade trash. The writing appeared to be on the… floor for the big fella.
Careful not to disturb anything I backed out quietly, hoping beyond hope that Louise had turned her attentions back to that preening idiot Gorbag… I opened the door with a creak and ran straight into Coach Thunden.
When I woke up I was in the usual treatment room, my head was banging and I seemed to be having some problems breathing. Something was seriously amiss in Titan HQ. I had managed to snaffle one of the strewn pieces of paper on the strategy table… I unfurled it now and read the confirmation that the Titans would be staying in the Death Valley. On the other side was a picture…
However before I could see it… the lights went out again…
The cerebral impact must have been harder than those I’ve been accustomed to following this team of miscreants as when I woke I was in the media cart at the Titans game against a bunch of unsanitary wood elves! At first I assumed I’d simply been dreaming and here I was watching the playoffs… however it became apparent that this wasn’t the Seathiel Treehawks this was the White Owlz. Who if memory serves had been introduced to the MML and their first game had been a mauling at the hands of the Titans.
As my brain struggled to get a grip on my surroundings and what was occurring a familiar picture from happier Orky times played out in front of me, the Titans received the ball and got first dibs on the round of biffing. Elves began to populate the injury dugout. Then however the nerves of playing elves seemed to take hold… Gorbag had gotten himself in range of the rookie wardancer named SeriousJest. Sure enough the tricky elf put him on his back and retrieved the ball. The Titans hit panic stations and it was at this moment I noticed a sprightly looking troll engaged and interested with the game, putting himself about… bloody hell it was Big Mo! Whatever shenanigans had reared their head there he was on the pitch… intriguing.
By turn 5 the Titans had managed to put a couple of elves in the injury bin, had withstood the attentions of a wizard fireball but had failed in a simple handoff which led to Seriousjest opening the scoring and putting the Owlz 1-0 up on the greenskin drive. Things looked to be replaying themselves from the final… With time running out in the first half the orcs continued as they meant started, another couple of elves paid a visit to the injury box and the way appeared open to equalise. The Owlz were putting pressure on an orc thrust down the right wing and the orc chukka, Hambo was pinned to the sideling. Robshank obviously tiring of his inaction up to this point took matters into his own hands, blitzing the covering catcher and freeing Hambo up to dash across to centre field, handoff to Ripper Wahrd who then sprinted for the endzone and equalised on the stroke of half time!!!!
Now this was the Titans at their best… yes there were only 6 elves on the pitch, but dammit that’s when they play their best!
The second half opened looking a little… elf-lite? The opening block in the 2nd half saw the Titans finally push down the White Owlz treeman who then remained rooted to the ground opening up the space even further. The elves manoeuvred into the Titans half but were unceremoniously stopped by another intervention from Robshank… this time following his block on SeriousJest up with a full on orcsplash… which killed the rookie Wardancer. Coach Stu immediately signalled for one of his ‘MoreShotsInc’ Apothecaries to attend… however as has become common place in recent seasons… Dr Stabby simply managed to expedite the shuffling off of this mortal coil and SeriousJest became another tally figure in Robshanks fatality stats. Ironically Robshank thought that he had killed another elf later in the game only for the emergency apothecary to come through and bestow the gift of life back to the prone catcher.
The meagre remnants of the Owlz continued to harry the Titans as they tried to get the ball upfield, one intervention almost leading to their remaining Wardancer scoring in the corner before a last minute blitz by Gorbag secured the ball for a trundle up the field against the 3 remaining elves… and rooted Treeman to score in the 15th turn. 2-1 to the Titans and a huge roar of relief from the travelling fans. Coach Thunden still looked angry… I wondered why and then saw Big Mo stood in his familiar pose, drooling into space… there’s more here to run folks!
The remaining turn of each team meandered to the conclusion of the game notable only for the intervention of the aforementioned non-league sanctioned apothecary actually doing his job. A significant win for the Titans and another mauling for the Owlz as they will look to recover for the remainder of this season in what is a scary looking playpool. The Titans move on to play the deadly dwarves from Merthyr in a return of the grudge match from Season 1.
Apologies about the lack of communication, but the nefarious Clan Firewall has been disturbing communications during my current workday precluding me from being able to upload these reports for your humble viewing!!!”