A Costly Win for the PieRats

(A large group of reporters are gathered waiting for the weekly press conference when Whiskey approaches the microphone.)

“Before we start, I just want to take a moment to say goodbye to one of our beloved brothers. A true Snitchburgh legend. A rat cut down in his prime with a mountain of potential and dozens of touchdowns left unscored.”

(an aide whispers something into Whiskey’s ear)

“Really?… I mean TWO of our beloved PieRats! They gave everything they had and paid the ultimate price and in doing so lead to PieRats to their first professional victory. Their sacrifice will not be forgotten and we will be adding commemorative patches to our jerseys… *which can be found in the proshop for a low low price*…  and dedicating the rest of the season in their honor. Now we may proceed.”

Reporter  – “Hi Coach, are you concerned about the shape of your team heading into your week 2 match up with the New Orcland Grunts?”

“We knew heading into this season that the team that went in was going to look a lot different than the team thats going to finish. We will miss EVERY player that passes through this organization, some more than others but we will persevere. We’re rats. We don’t die, we multiply.”

Reporter  – “I know its hard to be disappointed with a 3-0 win, but you have to be worried with the fact that one of the two players who carried you to that win will no longer be suiting up and taking the pitch with you.”

“Slippery T definitely be missed. He brought a lot of the this team and will hold the distinction of being the first PieRat to ever score a touchdown in the MML. He touched the sun, he got his 15 minutes of fame, its time for a rat to step up. Besides, we came into this season with a core set of players that we really thought we could carry this team and they are still there for the most part”

Reporter – “Are you speaking of Munch? I mean, can you really rely on a player that spent most of the game on the sidelines?”

“If there is anything I’ve learned while I’ve had the honor to coach these rats its that Munch is as dependable as they come. Unfortunately there was a mistake with the catering and some spoiled dairy was served at the pregame meal. Munch WAS NOT knocked unconscious he was simply dealing with some stomach issues. He is a true WARRIOR of the gridiron and I don’t appreciate what you’re insinuating.

I’m sorry, but this is an emotional time for this team and I must cut this short as we have some services to attend to. You all have a wonderful day and make sure to check out the pro shop. Season tickets are still available!”


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  1. My new favorite line will be “We’re rats. We don’t die, we multiply.” That’s good stuff right there!

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