Ash Wednesday

*Serious Jest sits on the leather chair in front of Camera 1, the remnants of a cigar laying in the crystal ashtray on the oak table next to him. He sets an empty glass on the table and begins speaking*

SJ: I knew that I had done the right thing by leaving Greendale. I intended to keep coaching in the MML, but I had really pissed the Company off, and I didn’t intend to bend the knee. I knew they would lash out at any team that I decided to coach at the Pro level. I even thought about bringing TMNL back to the Pros, but they’ve been through so much already, and I couldn’t risk the attacks on those dear to them…including you. I was determined to fight, but I just hadn’t figured out how. For a while, I fell into a vicious cycle of romcomism.

*Cut to Camera 3, a frontal shot of Serious Jest, with the back of the reporter in the lower right frame*

Reporter: Romcomism?

SJ: It’s a serious disorder in which a normally alpha male buries his pent-up depression in bouts of ice cream, tears, and romantic comedies.

Reporter: Is this really a—

SJ: It’s a very serious affliction, as it can lead to obesity, or development of permanent Hobbitch syndrome. In extreme cases, your balls can even fall out.

Reporter: *sigh* I guess I knocked on your door at just right time, then.

SJ: I hadn’t heard from you since…well, you know. I didn’t know what you were up to, but I heard that you were investigating something big.

Reporter: And who knew that that something big was the answer to your problem.

*Cut to closeup*

SJ: The company can’t kill something that’s already dead. It can’t take something away from a team that has nothing to lose. So you took me to meet the guy you’d been following around, Ash. I gotta admit I was very skeptical…I mean, he’s got a chainsaw for a hand, and he carries around a shotgun that he calls his Boomstick. The only reason I agreed to go to that cabin in the middle of the woods on a late, windy Wednesday night with him is because you told me that he was Wilhelm Chaney’s first coach. And then he opened up that weird book, with the weird markings…I was about to trek outta there by myself. But after the bloody mayhem that ensued, and a very busy few hours of taming demons, much of which my memory is still hazy on, I met my future…the team that I was destined to coach. They stood before me, ready to score or kill on my command. They didn’t even have names, but they were absolutely beautiful…so, with ice cream and rom coms still on the brain, I named them the Hopeless Necromantics.

*Cut to Camera 2*

SJ: They have made quite some noise in the Farm, but they’ve become especially dangerous with our recent Transfer Market acquisition. We were looking for one more werewolf to fill out our ranks, when Ash told us about the scariest wolf he’s ever seen…a real monster from a squad named Necromania. I have a great trade relationship with their coach, Gerdleah. It’s how Ham Shank got to Greendale, and how Kevin HAART started terrorizing the Farm with the Dirty Dirty Rats. So, after some quick negotiation, Steve Cansmell joined Kevin on the Dirty Dirty Rats, and the Hopeless Necromantics got their Showstopper, Shawn Michaels.

*Cut to Camera 3*

SJ: I can’t thank you enough, April. You brought me back from the dead as a coach.

April O’Neil: I just made the introduction.

*Cut to closeup*

SJ: We will play every game to honor those who have sacrificed before us to give us the opportunity. We will honor Greendale…we will honor TMNL…we will honor you…we will honor Spermadactyl.


  1. Yay! I’m not the only pro coach on team #3. And welcome back April! Hope you hire Ash as an assistant coach!!

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