Iron, Blood, Sweat, Chaos, and Beards

This post is part of the series Hashut's Hellhammers

Other posts in this series:

  1. Iron, Blood, Sweat, Chaos, and Beards (Current)
  2. Iron, Blood, Sweat, Chaos, and Beards: Part II
  3. Hashut’s Hellhammers Release High Destiny Promotional Video

The sky is the carmine of a bloody dusk though it is yet midday, and the sun barely visible through swirling clouds of inky smoke belching from countless orifices studding the hulking ziggurat.  The caravan of heavy wagons is gradually consumed by the yawning maw in the stronghold’s base, disappearing from view far below the vantage afforded by the balcony.

“I have need of you now, Marduk Dreamslayer,” murmured the ancient, half petrified dwarf, his mouth imperceptible behind a greasy black beard almost as long as the horns on his imposing ceremonial helmet.  “By Hashut’s will, I have made a breakthrough in my forge.  I require your services to test my new dark iron armor.”

“Of course, Daemonsmith.  I will blunt the blades of our enemies on my vambraces, and crush their skulls in my gauntlets!  Shall I assemble a war party to raid the orcs in the Mountains of Mourn for slaves?  I’ll assemble a regiment of dwarves, two regiments of hobogoblin slaves, and a few field artillery pieces and we can march within the week!”

“That is not quite what I intend, Marduk, though I admire your fervor for pillage and slavery.  I command you to form a Blood Bowl team to compete in the MML.  On the gridiron, my armor will be tested week in and week out against foes various and sundry.  Moreover, the high destiny recordings on CabalVision will allow me to analyze the armor in action.”

“Blood…Bowl?  The traditional Hashutsmas beverage? Em em ell?”

“No!  The sportingfest that elves, men, and orcs enjoy so avidly.  Have you been living under a rock? What do you watch on your wizwobox in the evenings, Marduk?”

“You want me to play a…game?”

“This is a game, I think, at which you will be a natural.  You have one week to prepare!  Pick five dwarves, a pair of bull centaurs from my personal guard, and a handful of slaves for your team.  Take this,” the Daemonsmith rumbled, forcing a large leather egg slightly larger than a human head banded in iron spikes into the Dreamslayer’s arms.  “And go meet the slavers that have just returned.  They have a pair of…things…which might help you in your training.”

Marduk glared through the bars of the slavewagon, flaying the occupants with his gaze.  The alabaster-skinned elf returned the stare vacantly with his one remaining crimson eye in his ruined face, while his left leg crumpled unnaturally under him in the corner of the wagon.  The other, a human man clutching a clipboard desperately to his chest as if it could protect him from the 3 ½ foot tall, 200-pound dwarf.

“Who are these pathetic worms, and what use are they to me?” Marduk bellowed.

“They,” grumbled the slavemaster, “are losers.  Season 7.  Lost fifty gold pieces on ‘em!  Used to be good, though.  Blood bowl, you know?”


Hashut’s Hellhammers take the field for the first time this Tuesday 4/11 at 8:30 pm EDT against the Rat Race Rushers!

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