Official Investigation into Performance Enhancing Drugs in the MML.

Mr Commissioner Preach.

I wish to express my concerns over the use of performance enhancing drugs by the use of players in our beloved MML.

I want to bring to your attention three players in particular who play for the Leaping Lizards coached by Doneagle those being Kano, Snake and Blake, three saurus monstrosities. I am aware that from time to time players may hit the weights and pile muscle on but for three players on the same time to bulk up so quickly cannot be any coincidence. I believe they may be using steroid muscle enhancing drugs. Having attended a few Leaping Lizard matches this season, I would like to bring to your attention that coach Doneagle regularly gives a free spectator box to the board members of Goblin Gambling and is often seen in hushed meetings with mysterious cloaked characters in the alleyway behind his stadium where he has been observed handing over cash for something which I cannot identify. I also wish to express my concern about their player Wade. That guy just feels no pain, and just goes out of his way to try and kill other players. I suspect he maybe under the influence of some kind of “painkilling but lots of killing” intoxicant.

For your investigation I have mailed to you samples of each players urine. I don’t mind telling you I collected this myself from hiding inside the latrines inside the Leaping Lizards changing room at half time. I apologise for any faeces samples that may have been mixed with the urine samples. I was unable to free myself from the toilet before that damn Krox of theirs dropped the mother load on top of me!! I don’t know what he’d been eating but I can’t get the smell out of my pores after the eight bath!!!

For the safety of all our players, I would appreciate a formal investigation into this case.

Thank you


Thugz of Wheldrake


  1. It’s about time someone did this!! I applaud, and nominate Hairy Warthog as the new MML lead prosecutor!

  2. Great article. Remember you will be playing them again next season. They might not take this too kindly.

  3. Erm, yes… Well… Anyone know where we could get some of these special Lizard enhancing drugs please? Doneagle, sir?

  4. Maybe we can strike a deal, i’m interested in what your skinks are taki…. Uhm… Eating.

Join the Conversation