After quite rudely sequestering me in the upper tower rooms, I had finally been given some freedom to post this updated article. I believe they only let me out as they had won their initial game. However the Widowmakers are now officially on the road, Coach Thunden is noticeably more fun, he only locked me up for 2 weeks this time round and I was even afforded food and company. If you close your eyes the tentacles could belong to anyone…!
In their Week One game the Widowmakers had faced the Tainted Destroyers, managed by rookie coach and all round nice guy Big Badger. The team had prepared for the game and were confident going into it. Stoned Temple Pilot was talking to himself as he was wont to do, his other head although smaller was definitely the boss in that relationship. My bunk mate Faith No More, a Nurgle warrior of singularly unappealing disposition had even cleaned his tentacles for the game.
In a desperate move, known enemies of the #4Horsemen, made a very underhand attempt to halt the match in the second half, the power went out and a noxious smell went up, forcing the crowd to evacuate. This was after the permanently pissed off Pestigor, Stoned Roses had killed two of the opposition Chaos Warriors.
The two coaches met, and whilst there was much gesticulation and shouting, they agreed that they would get the teams back on the pitch and replay the game. Much to the chagrin of those malevolent forces who wish ill on the Widowmakers.
The match kicked off again under the cover of the spirit lights, however it seemed Big Badger had indeed been stalling for time as necromancers raised his dead Chaos Warriors from the pit and they lined up once again!!! Coach Thunden had to be restrained from attacking his opposition number with a mystery meat pie that was lying about.
He needn’t have worried, everything the Widowmakers touched turned to gold, eventually running out 4-0 winners as the Destroyers suffered every ignominy Nuffle could muster.
Post game, Thunden was of course back to his relaxed nature stating that of course he was never upset, it was only a game and he’s not being competitive this year, it’s all about consolidation. My smirk paled however as he eyeballed me directly whilst completing his sentence. Gulp.
“Derek – do you have a question?”
“Erm… yes… Coach Thunden, this was a big statement by your team, surely you will be aiming for the playoffs this season?”
“Well I’m glad you asked Derek, you see some people have said to me, hey Thunden – you guys will be in the pros next season no worries. However I say to them, we’re not here to win. We’re here to spread the glory of nurgle. Somehow Badger was able to save two potential new followers from joining us in the first game, that’s our target. We’re just here for the experience!” spake he.
“Then Coach T if you’ll permit me, how do you feel coming up against familiar foes in the Yate Yobz? You played them with the Titans before, how do you think you’ll fare this time round?”, I risked asking another Winkelberry zinger!
Thunden relaxed with an easy smile on his face, “The orcs are well known to us, as are their tactics of delaying our game. We will not be put off by this, but we look to bring them a new experience. They’re big, they’re mean and they’re likely going to kick us all round the pitch. However, we should have a few surprises they haven’t seen before. We’ve got a new guy in as well, you think some of the guys look bad now, wait’ll you get a load of Dead Zeppelin!!”
With that Coach T, made with the handshaking and the smiles and limped off, obviously still not fully recovered from the shoeing that the Titans gave him as a going away present. As the media scrum began to disperse, I saw three well known MML coaches stagger into Thundens office the door slamming shut behind them. Only to be opened immediately as, I think it was RandTheMad plunged headlong into the buffet table before being dragged away by coaches BernieBuffon and VpowerV!!!! Suddenly I put 2 and 2 together… the 4 horsemen!!! All the hullaballoo on twerper and Facetome and here they were!!!
Coach Bernie seemed to be almost incandescent with rage, muttering something about ladders, whilst VpowerV was accusing RandTheMad of mugging him off. All the whilst trying to leverage him away from the hog roast. With hands full of pig they finally grappled him into Thundens office as he slammed the door.
I inched my way towards the closed door, putting my best ‘I’m just here inspecting the sturdiness of this wall’ impression on. I rested nonchalantly against the wall outside as I heard snippets of conversation…
“…finish Triperis…”
“…izards are making their own gecko club!!! Hahahahha”
“…rrupt commissioner…”
“…you ate all of Dino Chicken?!? Mwuhahah”
“…Momomcphee? His dorfs all lean to the left!!!”
“…opaganda campaign has them all fooled.”
“…the Priests of Pappa N need paying, call the big gu… do you smell something? I hear… squelching…”
I should be surprised but I wasn’t as I was lifted into the air by the ankle and promptly passed out as I gazed into a hideous, pustulent and beastial apparition. Winkleberrys have never been famed for their constitutions.
Waking up again in my cell… I mean guest suite overlooking the ground it dawned on me, as I rid myself of the goo and slime I was coated in, perhaps Thunden had overplayed his hand. Subtlety is not his strongpoint as anyone who’s been out with him on the Bloodweisers and Vizkey can attest. His last attempt at this failed miserable in his ‘Brand new me’ concept last time he reached the pro playoffs… was this last one just another ruse?
So with well-known Orc bother boys, Yate Yobz coming into town minus one of their stars, could the planets be in alignment for another Nurgle victory? Or will it be a case of damage limitation as the orcs see something new to kill?
Tune in to Cabalvision on Thursday night 9pm Brit time!!!!
