Order of the Holy Squirrel – The Reckoning

Order of the Holy Squirrel

The Reckoning

The Day had arrived , the Order of the Holy Squirrel’s day of reckoning with the Bloodweiser Brewing Company.

The Sir Andy von Cook and his Holy Squirrel’s had taken to the field with grim determination, violence and redemption against the grudge held against them burning a white hot blaze in their hearts.  The Squirrels fans who had taken to the road to watch the match chanted their name in a fevered frenzy, small skirmishes had broken out in the stands with the Bloodweiser home crowd and the Dwarfs grand stadium atmosphere was electric.


“Good day sports fans ! This is it, weeks of anticipation , speculation and child like name calling has brought us here , the Grudge match of the century and the it’s destination is a one way ticket to pain ! I’m your host Hawca , your eye in the sky , your nose to the ground , I see all and know all ! “

“Joining me in the booth is none other than the terror of Ulthuan , the scourge of Naggaroth, he’s so fair he’s got Elf in his name ….Twelfman ! “

 “Well helllllloooooooooooo Bloodbowl fans ! “

” This is gonna be a cracking match Twelfman ,are you excited for this one? ”

” I’m always ready for Bloodbowl Hawca. I eat , sleep and breath Bloodbowl ! If it were a sweet delectable treat I would have died from diabetes years ago and all that would remain would be my sugar coated skeleton ”

” Mmmmmm sounds yummy Twelf . So what do you think of the teams we have standing before us today ?”

” Well Hawca I for one can….. not….. WAIT  for the Dwarfs to grind these filthy tricksy Squirrels  into the dirt . They made a fool of my beautiful elves last season and only their deaths shall state my vomit inducing rage ”

” Well it looks like you’re gonna get your wish pointy ears as the Bloodweiser Brewing Company have hired the services of none other than coach TeddyTom , to lead the Dwarfs to victory today”

” He may be a lover of all things undead but there are no flies on this guy . Not only was he voted in by his peers to take command of this match but also the Blitz World Allstars team too ! “

” He’s a man very much in demand Twelf. One wonders how he can do it all?”

” Well I have it on Very high authority that he eats the brains of….”

” I’m gonna have to stop you there Twelfman , the teams have taken to the field and the coin has been tossed . The Squirrels are setting up for an attacking drive……lets….play…..BLOODBOWL !!! “


So the match had begun , the Holy Squirrels not preparing to take things slow exploded out from their half of the pitch like a cannonball from a lead belcher , the Bloodweiser dwarfs barely having time to form a tight defence were caught short on one side of the pitch but made up for it on the Squirrels attacking side. Meaty armoured fists connected with soft fleshy human bones and it didn’t take long for a number of the Bretonnians to be dragged off the pitch by their ankles. Only the swiftness of the Squirrels assault had stopped them from being overrun and a mad scramble for the end zone rewarded them first blood in the score. But the real first blood belonged to the Dwarfs.

Unable to out manoeuvre their opponents the Dwarfs elected to smash through them, Iron fist met tinfoil armour and a bloody harvest had begun. Only the Bloodweiser babes who had abandoned their own team to cheer the Holy Squirrels were keeping the spirits of the beleaguered Order high.

Every attempt to seize the ball from meaty sausage fingers was answered with a fist sandwich and at the turn of the half the Dwarfs had levelled the score at one apiece . And things were not about to get better ….

The second half the Squirrels were staring down a deep pit of despair. But one man held true where all others would falter and fall.

Fat Earl , a lowly peasant Squirrels fan who was grabbed before the game, given a team jersey and told to single handily hold up the Dwarven Death machine kept being struck down and then kept coming back for seconds . In a moment of pure god like strength ( or complete blind luck ) Earl stuck out an arm in defence and knocked the Dwarf driver of the Death Roller itself ! A huge roar had come from all round the stadium at such an miraculous feat .

” By Nuffle’s chubby cheeks did you see that Twelf ?! ”

” Nah I missed it….. What do you think I am deaf, dumb and blind ?! Of course I saw it you Wally . A peasant just floored a Death Roller all by himself! Give that boy a Chocolate biscuit. “

Shame the rest of the Squirrels can’t achieve such levels of greatness . They’re dropping faster than when the Slaan Seers fans ate those “Meat Burgers.”

” Haha  well that’s what happens when you used recycled meat Hawca. The Squirrels are putting up an heroic defence but nothing can stop Teddy and these Dwarfs now.”

” Yep it’s ALL OVER BOYS AND GIRLS ! The Bloodweiser Brewing Company have defeated the Order of the Holy Squirrel  2-1 . The day of reckoning doth come and the Dwarfs have settled their Grudge ! “


The referees shrill whistle rang out and the thunderous cheer of thousands of Bloodweiser fans roared in unison .  Sir Andy von Cook stood at the edge of the pitch , a sombre look upon his face, taking in the events that had transpired. Many of his players being stretchered off bleeding and crying this wasn’t the great triumph he was hoping for.

Tipsy McStagger was striding across the pitch , bloody and battered the Brewmaster’s face was a picture of unbridled joy. Coming up just short of the Squirrels coach McStagger’s  beaming grim was off set by his cold hard eyes boring into Sir Andy’s.

” The Grudge ageinst ye un yah Squirrels has b’n settled . Ay didne think ye show up b’n the flithee Oath breakas you arr but ye did. Yoo’ll name be stricken frum the book ov Grudges az yoo’v paid en yah shame. NOW GET OVV ME PITCH ” and with that the Dwarf lord turned from his adversary and went back to join his team in celebration .

” Well that was a lot more anti climatic than I thought it would be” thought the Squirrels coach to himself . His gaze cast over the hubbub before him, a gaggle of reporters were fighting amongst themselves over a figure walking across the pitch in his direction. A barrage of questions were being fired out from all directions from different voices , all vying for the attention of the person in the middle .

 “Brian Fantana, Nuln News is Good News. What does this win over the Squirrels mean to you ?”

“Cecile Scrumpy , Nufflebutter Weekly. Will you carry the momentum of this victory to the Blitz Final ?”

The questions of the reports were cut short when two skeletons bearing the Blue and Gold livery of Undead But Worse silently parted the crowd , casting  the journalists aside with all the subtly of a sledge hammer unveiling the source of their intent .

Standing almost a head taller than the most gathered around him , skin bronzed and tanned from his time spent in ancient Khemri. The figure was resplendent in his golden attire the craftsmanship was second to none, forged in the shape a masculine figure bedecked with gems and jewels of turquoise and jade , a fine golden helm rested on his brow with a great mane of red hair bellowed out from its apex gave him a stature of authority and nobility .

A maiden long past her natural life span wrapped in tight layers of embalming bandages that clung to her womanly figure held out a delicate box of gold and silver to her master with its lid open.  A bronzed hand reached out and plucked out a pair of sun glasses , then ever so slowly lifted them up and placed them on his face. The action causing eye contact to be made between himself and Sir Andy , a warm smile grew on his face in acknowledgment to the Squirrels coach and a nod of respect was past back from Sir Andy to TeddyTom.

Ignoring all that surrounded him TeddyTom made his way to Sir Andy , his entourage of undead keeping the baying crowd of journalists away from their master.

” Well met Sir Andy , it was an honour to finally face the Holy Squirrels on the field and more so to avenge the honour of the Bloodweiser Brewing Company ” stated the Khemri coach .

” I trust you’ll be more wise in the future with whom you pick your fights with?”  a raised eye brow and warm tone indicated a playful mockery from TeddyTom that held no malice .

” Heh ,  it would appear that I should” came the reply  ” Well met Sir , you were the better man this day” Sir Andy raised a gauntleted index finger ” But don’t think you’ll do it again ” a smile breaking Sir Andy’s glum features.

A great mirth bubbled up from within Teddy ” Ha hahaha …. thats what I like about you Sir. Never say die .”  his great hand slapping down on Sir Andy’s shoulder as Teddytom began to pass by him .  A great shadow was suddenly cast upon the pair and four hulking Tomb Guardians who had been as silent as the grave, carried a exquisite palanquin of Ruby Gold came to a rest just beside them.

” I’m afraid I must cut our encounter short Sir for there is much to prepare for and the Pro Championship to win .”  Teddytom reached out a hand to the handle on his personal transport . ” I shall be broadcasting my Preview Show very soon Sir, I hope you’ll enjoy the show.”

( Go check the season XIII preview shows on Teddytom’s twitch page if you want to see whos who this season. Andy)

” I wouldn’t miss it for all the cheese in Skavenblight Sir ” answered the Squirrels coach ” I hope to join you again some time in the booth.”

Teddytom’s expression faulted ” I fear for the Squirrels this season Sir. Looking at your playpool , relegation is where you’re headed .”

” Don’t count us out just yet Sir Teddy ”  Sir Andy spoke up ” You’ve seen yourself what happens to teams who back my Squirrels into a corner” a menacing smile split Sir Andy’s features. ” We’ll be seeing you in the Pro Playoffs ”

A big smile broke out on Teddy’s face ” OH I do not doubt you’ll give it your all” and with that Teddy pulled himself up the side of his palanquin, his upper half still leaning out. ” May Nuffle bless you in your quest Sir and I hope to see you prove me wrong ”  giving a short nod in exchange the Undead But Worse coach rapt his hand on the side of his golden transport and the Tomb Guardians began their steady pace towards the exit, a small parade of undead marched silently behind .

So with that Sir Andy turned to his coaching staff . ” Right get everyone up who can walk and the rest carry them to the team carriages , I want to be rid of this place  ”  A young peasant squire called Pinky ran over ” Narrp … dey iz getin on de cooches now me lord

” Excellent work Pinky , we have much to prepare for this season.” intoned the Squirrels coach.

Narrp ….whots we goona do dis season me lord?”

” Same thing we do every season Pinky……………try to take over the MML “

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