Order of the Holy Squirrel
Something Something Something Story Time
” Steady boy. Steady” spoke Sir Reginald, his deep voice enhanced by the steal helm on his head cutting through the strong winter wind. His mount Sampson momentarily being knocked to one side by a sudden updraft. Sir Reginald had been travelling hard and in earnest and was fast approaching his destination . Great open plains of snow covered grass had stretched on for mile after mile with only the occasional river or stream to break up the far reaching land. All of which was framed to the East by the Worlds Edge Mountains, a great dark mountain range stabbing out on the world like the teeth of huge beast. These were the back bone of the Old World and gateway from Bretonnia through to the Empire and lands beyond.
Soon the City of Parravon rose from the distance , dark winter clouds hanging over kingdom like a shroud, blocking the Suns light from the lands below save for a beam of light that pierced the gloom and shone down upon a large stadium of pale stone that stood like a beacon of glorious virtue in the centre of it all. The Andydome . Sir Reginald tightened the reigns on his Pegasus and dropped the beast into a swooping dive low over the battlements of the City, across it’s snow covered dirt roads and thatched roofs before circling the vaulted walls of the stadium itself. A sea of people surrounded the structure, from touching their palms on the cold stone in the hopes of gaining the Holy Squirrels blessing to laying tributes of flowers and trinkets at the feet of the statues of the teams great players memorials that lined the walls themselves. This place was truly considered Holy ground.
Inside the stadium, Sir Reginald could see the players of the Holy Squirrels training hard on the pitch, a plethora of team staff guiding the proceedings with a hoard of squirrels running to and fro in every which way. Sir Reginald had an urgent message for the Squirrel’s coach. Knowing he would cause a scene , Sir Reginald drove Sampson down into a dive to land square in the centre of the pitch. The Elven grass kicking up green and golden flecks of light as the Pegasus opened his great wings to stop it’s fall, the undercurrent sending tiny squirrels in a panic running in every direction, then the Pegasus came to a rest on the ground. Many squirrels poking out their heads from their cover in the stands .
Up spoke the knight .” Thy name is Sir Reginald Continueus . Thou has’t an urgent message for thy lord, Sir Andy Von Cook . Prey where is he? ”
Hidden behind a huge oak desk capped with tiny mountains of empty Bloodwieser bottles, unopened fan letters and a assortment of squirrels, nestled in a great ogre leather chair, sat Sir Andy. The Squirrel’s coach had retreated away from cold winter air to the warm confined of his office to try and piece together the events of the current season.
So much had happened but due to the Squirrels new sponsor Bloodwieser so much had been in a drunken stupor . Sir Andy was starting to think being sponsored by a Beer company wasn’t the most productive thing in the world, not at least that fateful drunken night they won the cup and he inadvertently married a hideous Goblin ! Somehow mistaking the vile creature for another of the lovely Bloodwieser babes in attendance that evening .
The thought of that night caused bile to get lodged in his throat. Sir Andy turned his head and there was his bride, staring right back at him. A long sharp toothy smile like that of a demon grind at him, small squinty eyes like that of a rats and a long pointy nose that hung like a stalactite from its retched face that was framed with big pointy ears that resembled a pigs but vomit green.
“How in the name of the Lady did EVER get close to that?” thought the coach.
” Still thou did so love doth sound of thy sword slicing through my ladies neck. And the sweet thud of thou head striking thy floor ” Sir Andy then lifts a tankard of Bloodwieser in mocking gesture towards the head of his deceased bride, mounted on a plaque on the near side of the wall.
” To love ” toasted the coach downing his drink in several sloppy gulps.
“Right where was thou?” thought Sir Andy . Remembering what he came to his office to ponder about. ” Ah yes the season ! Getting thrashed by Rodentia , pounded by All Wight, we pulled one out of thin air against the Spanglies , cheated by Seers, battled by Roughnecks and out played by the Pumas but finishing the season with a match against Dawi-Zharr in a battle worthy of remembrance.”
It had resulted in a mixed season for the Squirrels, finishing in the bottom half of their playpool meant no Ball Game this season, but they put on a grand display for the fans neither the less, and there was always next time.
His mind cast back to the Seers match, the rain coming down in a torrent, soaking the players to the bone, so soaked in fact when the Squirrels wizard hit the caged up Seers with a fireball, all were still standing once the smoke had cleared, the magical fire only slightly sizzling cold lizard flesh. Sir Andy could still remember Jofro’s merry little jig at his players great fortune and then the look of utter loss and confusion as two minutes from time all the squirrels in the stadium rushed the pitch in a riot of nibbling teeth and scratching claws causing the goblin ref to lose track of the time and add a few precious minutes for the Squirrels to score an equaliser earning even greater ire from the Seers coach. “Next season” he thought to himself. “Next season we shall defeat those accursed lizards.
Then without warning Sir Reginald burst through the office doors , scroll in hand, head darting about frantically in search of the Squirrels coach. A blast of icy wind kicking up papers and sending bottles cascading across the floor. Squirrels darting about in random directions , spooked by this sudden intruder.
” I told you Sir Von Cook was not to be disturbed my lord” came the voice of Sir Andy’s lady in waiting.
” I must speak to thee my Lord, Urgent news from the MML ! ” bleated Sir Reginald, clearly undone by the long climb up the stadiums stairs to the office.
Sir Andy unwilling to move from his comfy spot reached out a lazy hand to his unexpected guest in a gesture to receive the knights message. Sir Reginald at once placed the parchment in his hand.
The Squirrels coach began to read the urgent mysterious message as best as his slightly drunken brain could process.
” WHAT ! ” screamed the coach launching out of his chair like a Doom diver from a catapult, sending the table and all of it’s contents scattering across the floor .
” The Slaan Seers are not returning for season 11 ! ” he bellows grabbing the unfortunate messenger and slamming him against the wall.
” N..n..n….no my lord. It appears not.” Stammered the knight
” So prey tell me good Sir what is this part about Frog Men ?! ” questioned the angry coach stabbing a finger repeatedly into the parchment. ” And what the F’orc is a Xlotec? ”
“nay would seem coach Jofro doth found a new team thy lord” replied Reginald trying to find some answer to try and calm his nerves.
” By Nuffle’s Hairy Warthogs I swear by the Lady ” began Sir Andy, his face bright red from barley contained rage.
” MY LORD ! ” came shout from outside the room
” WHAT THOU EST PREOCCUPIED ! ” retorted the coach
Just then Drew Peacock ran into the office . ” Goblins your grace ! A gang of Goblins have entered the stadium !” exclaimed the Squirrels player.
Dropping the Pegasus knight Sir Andy raced out into the stadium, taking long strides down the ground stairs he witnessed a group of Goblins walking across the pitch towards the Holy Squirrels in the middle of practice . A great commotion began and soon harsh words and threats started flying in all directions .
” ENOUGH ! ” came Sir Andy’s booming voice across the grounds , cutting off everyone from what they were doing. Pushing his way through his team Sir Andy was confronted with a band of goblins, all dressed in matching red and white poke dot kit, nay one of them reaching above his belt buckle with two hulking trolls bringing up the rear.
“By thy grace of the lady, doth whom in thy devil do you think thou’est are coming into thy stadium un announced ? ” asked Sir Andy in a tone of deep icy anger .
One of the goblins stepped forward, a big cheesy grin stappled across it’s face.
” We iz da Ankle Biterz boss, un we iz ‘ere az your prezzi ” the tiny green skin extending it’s arms out wide gesturing the rest of the green skins.
Sir Andy raised an eye brow. ” Thou est thy…..prezzi ?”
” Dats right boss, we iz been sent az your wedding prezzi cos you iz married to Dirty Doris ” explained the gobbo.
“Her unkie iz’a Big bad nob at Goblin Gamblin’ ‘nd he givez yous us az a prezzi ” the gathered Green skins start chuckling and giggling to themselves which was completely lost as to why in Sir Andy’s mind.
“Shall I crush them my Lord ? ” came the granite voice of Sir Barry Bossanova. His knuckles popping and crunching as he flexed his fists in preparation for impending violence.
His first instinct was to end the lot of them but a thought quickly popped inside Sir Andy’s head . If his ( now very much dead ) wife was niece to some Big Nob affiliated with Goblin Gamblin’ , then doing away with a team sent as a gift would certainly raise a few Goblin eyebrows . What would follow would be Goblin Gamblin’ spies snooping about Parravon and surly the discovery of one headless Dirty Doris who now occupies a hook on the wall ! Then they would have a serious problem.
Before any more could be said Sir Andy raised a hand to belay Bossanova’s request. Taking a long hard look at the ragtag bunch of little gits stood before him he decided that they “could” be of use to him.
” Is thou any good at BloodBowl ?” inquired the Squirrels coach.
“ hehehe hehe ooooooh yes Boss. We iz dead killy ain’t we boyz ?” the Gobbo captain asked his team. An answer of mad cackling and elbow nudging was the reply .
” Good for thou doth have a task for thee ” Sir Andy announced.
Leaning down low as to make direct contact with his new player . ” Go to the MML farm my lad . Go and cause some mayhem.” A cunningly brutal smile ran across Sir Andy’s face as he gave the goblin his orders.
“ Oh we will Boss….We will ” smirked the Goblin . A brutally cunning smile on his.