Shawn Michaels, King of Rats

ONCE UPON A TIME there was a big, badass werewolf. He came to a team full of sappy Blood Bowlers with tear-jerking names and Kleenex boxes full of feelings. Their coach had brought this Alpha Wolf in, the one they called The Main Event, to toughen them up…to make them killers…

…and he did. Under their Alpha’s leadership, the Hopeless Necromantics terrorized the play pool. They inflicted 27 knockouts, 17 casualties and 4 kills in their first 5 matches of S7. Against the skaven, the Main Event was especially vicious.

But after the match against the Repulsive Ratlings, Coach Serious Jest noticed something different about his lead wolf. The conversation went something like this:

So Coach Jest hired an assistant coach, Dr. Petro Pavlov, who was renowned in the field of sports psychology. Dr. Pavlov insisted that Coach Jest hire a cheerleader with extraordinarily big breasts right away. Coach Jest managed to find an out-of-work former TV horror queen named Elvira , who fit the bill perfectly:

Dr. Pavlov treated the Main Event three times a day, every day, before the next match, which would also be against a skaven team. Coach Jest had never seen anything like it. Dr. Pavlov would ring a little gold bell right before Elvira would engulf the werewolf’s entire snout in her glorious mammary glands while she scratched him behind his ears.

The Main Event’s next match against the Snitchburg PieRats was perhaps his most violent showing of the season. He destroyed legitimate one-turner Tomasso, mangling him so badly that even the Romantics’ necromancer couldn’t raise him as a zombie. The werewolf returned to the locker room with the same thousand-yard stare in his eyes that had worried Coach Jest the week before.

Coach Jest quickly felt Dr. Pavlov’s reassuring hand on his shoulder. “I have this, Coach. Don’t worry.” And with that, Dr. Pavlov quickly reached in to his jacket pocket and retrieved the little gold bell. One quick ring, and the werewolf actually smiled and started wagging his tail. Go figure.

Now if only Dr. Pavlov could successfully hypnotize the rest of the team so that they would stop failing T8 touchdown attempts…


  1. I’m not sure that the wolf has make the team any tougher. He seems to have taken a very Gorbag approach. He might be the Diva of blocking. Seems to care more about his own stats and glory than helping the team. That doctor has his work cut out for him. #WolfPackof1

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