Unexpected drama befell Jurassic Park this week, as the Teenage Mutant Ninja Lizards prepared for their first playoff game against an opponent that had yet to be identified to them. First, Torpedoraptor did not return to practice and has not been seen since being released from in-patient apothecary care following his Week 7 smashed collar bone at the hands of The Green Tide Titans.
Coach Serious Jest was eating lunch with his team when he was interrupted by a goblin delivering a letter sealed with the green-wax image of the Broken-Toothed Orc, the notorious avatar of a particular MML Pro team. Coach Jest read the letter aloud at the table:
To the Traitor and Bastard Serious Jest:
You allowed a team of Wood Elves past your end zone.
You have betrayed your own kind by threatening to concede to orcs
You have betrayed the East.
The MML is mine Bastard
Come and see.
Your skink Torpedoraptor is in my dungeon
The latter word trailed off Coach Jest’s voice as he paused, a look of despair befalling his face. A solemn silence befell the room. Coach Jest continued:
A piece of his collarbone is on my floor
Come and see.
I want that pretty reporter. Send her to me, bastard
And I will not trouble you or your wood elf lovers
Keep her from me
And I will ride East and Slaughter
Every Lizard Man Woman and Babe
Living under your protection.
You will watch
As I skin them living
Coach Jest stopped again.
“Go on,” insisted Ornithop0wna.
“It’s just more of the same,” muttered Coach Jest, as he put the letter down and momentarily turned toward team captain Spermadactyl. Ornithop0wna swiftly grabbed the letter (he’s gotten so agile!) and finished reading it:
You will watch as my blitzers take turns
Ravaging your reporter
You will watch as my troll devours
Your stunty little skink.
I will spoon your eyes from their sockets
And let my black orcs do the rest
Come and see.
Lord of the Wrecking kru and Warden of the Iron League
“Lord of the Wrecking kru and Warden of the Iron League,” Coach Jest repeated incredulously.
“More_Shots is bested. Caven hid behind a tie,” explained Ornithop0wna solemnly, “and now he has Torpedoraptor.”
“We don’t know that,” countered Coach Jest.
“Yes, we do,” insisted Ornithop0wna firmly.
“How many orcs does he have on his team?” asked Spermadactyl.
“I heard it was 13 at last count, 3 of them skilled guards and 3 of them skilled in Mai-Tee-Blo,” answered Ornithop0wna.
“What are we looking like?” Jest asked Spermadactyl.
“Killmono Dragon is ready, so we’ve got 12,” replied Spermadactyl, “Just him is trained in Mai-Tee-Blow, and only 2 true guards.”
“You are the coach of this team,” Ornithop0wna declared to Coach Jest, “You brought us here all the way from New Zardsey and led us to the playoffs. This team is loyal, they’ll fight for you if you ask.” Coach Jest started to turn to look at Spermadactyl again, but Ornithop0wna reached over the table and grabbed his arm. “A monster has threatened our home and taken our brother. We have to beat down the Wrecking kru and save them both.”
The entire room looked to Coach Jest. He nodded at Ornithop0wna, ready to accept the challenge that lay ahead.