Coach Serious Jest woke up the morning after his team’s victory over conference rival The Torrance Family. His face felt like it was plastered against the ground, and he could smell the tiny pool of vomit next to his head even before he hesitantly opened his eyes and stared under the locker by which he was laid prone. It was an empty locker. He couldn’t even recall who used it last. “I gotta stop celebrating like this,” Coach Jest thought to himself as he contemplated the immense effort it would take to peel himself off the ground and stand up. Those thoughts were interrupted as he focused on what looked like a piece of parchment all the way back by the wall, underneath the locker. He stretched his arm as far as he could, managed to retrieve the parchment, collected himself against a bench, and started reading the following story, which had nearly been lost. Hooray for alcohol!
ONCE UPON A TIME there was a high elf lineman. He had gotten banged up over his 7 Challenge League games, his 2 CL Playoff games, and his 11 Pro matches with one of the most dynamic teams in the Mead & Mayhem League, coached by a former MML Champion. Although he was no longer as agile as he used to be, he was still a skilled dodger, wrestler and tackler. Whenever anyone would mention his injury, he would cheerfully quip that the strongest muscles in the best Blood Bowl players were their brains. That’s why it was tragically ironic when, in his 12th Pro match against the conference-rival Hopeless Necromantics, Salute the High Elf Lineman caught a chainsaw to the head from Hack Enslash and became Salute the Necromantic Zombie.
Necromancers are not exactly skilled surgeons. They just kind of mash your body back to a shape that roughly resembles your living form and then start growling incantations. Salute rose after death slower and even less agile than before…but his work ethic was still just as tenacious, and the Romantics had a solid zombie development program, unlike some other teams. Over the course of 65 Pro matches with the Romantics, he learned how to block instead of wrestle, he relearned how to tackle, he became skilled at fending off attacks, and he even practiced hard and often at kicking the ball, until the team started counting on him to regularly put other teams in the coffin corner (sweet pun definitely intended) during their kickoff returns. Poetically, those invaluable skills kept him gainfully employed with the team even after he suffered yet another injury that made him even slower.
At the conclusion of MML Season 21, however, Coach Serious Jest informed him privately that, due to team value cap concerns, the team was going to have to let him go. Later that day, the coach took the entire team out for dinner and saluted Salute for his 10 seasons of outstanding service. Once again remaining optimistic, Salute joked that at least he wouldn’t have to worry about any further injuries.
Who knows what the future holds for Salute. Coach Jest had mentioned the possibility of bringing him back to the team as an assistant coach in the future. There was also the possibility of a career in the MML’s Blitz league. Or maybe he would finally return to elven lands to spend the rest of his afterlife.