Vengeance, By Any Means Necessary

ONCE UPON A TIME, there was a Big, Bad Wight, who made it his business to toughen up a bunch of sappy, pillow-fighting  necromantics named after rom coms.

Iron City Orc Boyz Coach BMFJiggs1981 stayed true to the promise he made when announcing the Hopeless Necromantics’ match at Magrita the week before ( “[Beerz1313]’s gotta worry about where Hack is at all times because that guy could, if he fouls, he can take you off the pitch real easy…some bad injuries on good players…I always try to get the little buggers of the field as quick as I can, but sometimes that also makes it real easy for them to score because I’m worried about getting the chainsaw guy off the field.” Jiggs, still livid about the loss of Rocky “Da Brick” Danger, pointed at Hack forcefully and then drew his finger across his own throat sharply. Every one of the Orc Boyz knew what that meant: vengeance, by any means necessary.

Gorfang Smash’Hammer, the mighty black orc with the stiff neck from an old injury, had been standing right next to Da Brick before he got opened up. He stepped over and took a mighty swing at Hack, knocking him down, but the skeleton was resilient. Hack taunted Gorfang from the ground, promised him that he’d be the next Orc Boy to “kiss Betsy” ( Hack was midsentence when Fred “Fingers” Goblowski kicked his mouth shut. He and the lineman Ice Pick kept kicking him until the refs, wanting to show they were serious about the message they tried to send right before halftime, ejected Fingers from the match. Ice Pick pleaded with the ref while the goblin stormed to the Orc City sideline, leaving a wake of obscenities…but you know what they say about never letting your guard down.  Ice Pick’s mouth was still open as Jealous Again hooked him in his jaw with the mightiest of blows. The orc’s eyes snapped into the back of his head, and he immediately dropped to the ground, slightly twitching. “Is he dead, too!?” cried out Coach Jiggs, as yet another player was carted past him off the field.

His apothecary responded solemly, “No, sir…just brain dead.” Ice Pick was still twitching, and his pupils were still facing back towards his own skull.

The Orc Boyz were now even more determined to execute the hit on Hack. The skeleton had just gotten up from the ground, and bent over to get his chainsaw just when Smash’Hammer took another swing at him, missing. Hack stood up, chainsaw in hand, ready to pick his next victim, and just in time for Smash’Hammer’s second punch to hit him right in the nose cavity, knocking him out of the match.

True to Coach Jiggs’s prediction of the previous week, however, the orcs had spent so much time and energy focusing on Hack that they had inadequate coverage downfield on Sleepless. The Bride again cleared a path for him, Candy handed him the ball, and Sleepless easily trotted into the end zone for his second TD of the day!

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