And there it was, it was over my final press conference as Dwarfageddon coach. I announced their retirement to the world we was done we was tired we had nothing more to give or prove. The team had given me everything, and nobody will ever take that day from us, The day we become MML champions what brought great joy to our dwarven brothers. But now it was over now Bernie Buffon will retire and have a well earned break until BB3 came out. Dats not A fing someone mumbled, I span around couldn’t see anyone, did i just imagine someone had said that? Man i’m tired as i looked around I noticed our MML Pro trophy had been knocked over, damn lets get that back up “ere dats wot da boss wants sum of dat the oomie got”. “Wot bad breff”? dat just me u fuzzbucket” “oi dats fighting talk ya little goblin Zog off ya poncey elf”. “dats it ere cumz da pain train”.
I looked up as two big brutes started going at it, Whoa Whoa guys your smashing up my office, how can I help yeah? The last thing I remember was a flying goat coming towards me hitting me right in the face and then it was darkness.
I awoke to see many green faces stirring at me all serious looking, where am I? fank zog for dat e aint broken boss da oomie iz talking. What hit me, I said looking at the green orc in front of me, just as he was about to speak another next to him butted in. dat woz iz fault, woz saving dat goat foz dinner, andz dis lad sed iza goblin dats disrespekful, so ad ta smack da poncey elf and da poncey elf moved anz dat wen I hit da goat in da jaw and dit went flying into dat face ov yours. nuffin like dat will appen now as we eat the goat.
ENOUGH bellowed a big hulking figure behind them, get back to work the lot of yeah we got trophies to win. Unlike the others i could easily understand this lad he spoke my kinda language. Thank you for coming Bernie and so happy you have agreed to coach Orcageddon. Say what now? you mean dwarfageddon dont you? The hulking figure crouched down to my level and said “no Bernie its Orcageddon, you like the name? I thought of that name all by myself it just came to me am I smart or what. But you just took my teams name and changed a few letters at the front. Nonsense Mork and Gork came to me in my dreams and said Noobog Opakh Big Teef destroyer of oomies, hair puller of da elves, back stabber of da ratz, fang taker of da Vampires, Beard choppa of da chorfs, kill dem dead permantly of the undead, chef robber ov da halflings, Lord of making chaos cry into da khorne flakes, da virus to da nurgle and beer stealer of da stunties you must create me a team worthy of, he paused and looked at me and shrugged his shoulders and spoke, what? Nothing im just thinking you got enough names or you need some more, he looked at me and said your’e right I do need some more but my paps told me you got to earn them do you want me to tell you my paps name? Erm whoa no im sure its great but please lets back to your vision.
Not my vision Bernie, Mork and Gorks vision. Anyway they said its been to long since Orcs ruled the MML and they had sent a scouting party to check the talent out you may have played against them the slowfreeks, you mean the speedfreeks? same thing, anyway they havent won it and Mork and Gork are getting angry as orcs should win every fight in the world right? Erm sure, do i have to address you by your full title as if I am this may take a while? Its okay we are friends now you can call me Noobz apparently it means man of many battles and many experiences the best of the best. I dont think it means that, Noobz means, silence Buffoon your primitive small oomie brain wouldnt understand the intelligence of the greenskins. Its Buffon, bah same thing, no its not SILENCE!!! now where was I oh yes so the slowfreeks hadnt got it done and of course they wont they have no black orcs but have plenty of goblins well iv’e never heard anything so stupid since you got hit in the face by a flying goat.
Anyway what did come to the attention of the great ones is that whatever you coach wins trophies and that’s what we want is trophies Buffoon, BUFFON! whatever same thing, so all of a sudden I wake up and can speak fluent oomie speak, I was told to come and get you and you would sign for Orcageddon and we will win trophies together, we will dominate the MML for all things green excepts goblins and snotlings they dont count, think we should paint them Blue or something. They are an embarrassment just like that American Beerz who apologizes for everything oh im sorry for this and sorry for that. You do know Beerz coached that great Magrita Misfits Championship winning team and is actually a Canadian and not American. Canadian, American same thing. No its not, Silence Baboon we got more important things then where Beerz came out of the ground and what plant he came from. Its Buffon! Thats what I said anyways so I was told to come and get you and you would sign on the dotted line and take us to glory. But I havent signed anything and quite frankly im retired and not looking to coach another team especially a team what I have no idea about. What you talking about here is the contract you signed, it says you will coach Orcageddon until you win us at least as many trophies as that Gerdleah fella. Hang on thats not my signature and whos this Bernie Baboon Buffoon? Well its you of course and don’t be blaming me you was the one who signed it. And iv’e got to win as many trophies as Gerd are you mad, it will take me an eternity even to get close. Well we better get cracking then, apparently we have to start in the Challenge league what is way beneath my boyz but rules are rules and we are hoping threw exploitation and teef and having the refs in our pockets we can get up first time of asking. If that fails, but Mork said it wont but if it does then Gorks plan of just smashing them all into the dirt will, so no idea why you look so worried, let me introduce you to some of the team.
This is the Superstar of the team the cheerleaders love him, The crowd love him, Orcs want to be him and womorcs want to marry him, may i introduce to you Derek Nobz. This guy does it all he carries the ball, he scores the Touchdowns he smashes elf, stunties, Ogres he doesnt discriminate and basically the engine room and the captain of the team.
Then we have this big unit who basically spends most of his time in the gym when he isnt on the pitch. The problem is nobody knows his name and all he says is Do you even lift Bro? And goes on about a leeroy Jenkins being his idol or something like that. So thats what we put on the registration form hes an odd one but hes strong as an ox and doesnt mind getting stuck in and doing the dirty lifting like any good orc would. And the crowd love him and everytime he knocks an opponent down you can hear the chants Do you even lift Bro. Hes a real crowd favourite.
Rage Fist Rand now this was the lad who punched that Goat what accidently hit your face, whoa whoa hang on you got an orc named after my dwarf troll slayer Rage Fist Rand? Nah im pretty sure your guy copied our guy. Hang on Noobz is that a photo of Rand hes looking at? yeah its a photo of him he likes to look at himself for motivation apparently. Thats not him your guy is green not white and my lads got ginger hair! meh same thing, anyways Rage Fist is our enforcer and he don’t mess about hes broken a lot of bodies already in his short career. Don’t worry he will take care of all that nasty claw you come up against. Or my names not Frank, “erm its not though” meh dont worry about the small details Bernie.
“Orcus Bryant this guy speaks hoodie talk, I think that’s what you humans call it and he does it all he enforcers he gets the ball loose and pummels the life out of any snot that gets close to him”. “Just sometimes hard to understand him oh hang on here he comes”. “Yo bruv so u da new mafia boss, “hope we not got no Beef me been lean and green and u been well an ooomie and all”. Lets hope for a on the fleek season and many more after that”. Come on bruv fist bump me, thats what im talking about see you around homie.
We got a troll? well we did but he kept eating all the goblins so he had to go, it was getting that bad i almost had to get up and make my own squig sandwich, now that was a scary incident i dodged let me tell you. So now the troll has gone so now we got enough goblins to do all the chores again and every so often we let them go on the pitch and play.
That’s it if anyone else asks me who the zog is Eddie Jaws im going to rip their arms off and eat their legs as we know they dont need their legs dont we. And who the zog is this guy? Eddie this is your new coach Bernie Buffoon, its BUFFON! yeah thats what i said,. The Black orc looked at me and shouted IM EDDIE JAWS! you got that! I nodded and he stormed off slapping a goblin in the face, sending it flying in the process. He can be a bit delicate bernie in a farm game a Gnoblar said he would mark him and asked who the zog is Eddie Jaws. The rest of the lads started howling in laughter and so did the crowd and safe to say Eddie was enraged and snapped the gnoblar in half but the damage was done and many of the opposing fans taunt him with chants of whos Eddie Jaws.
Anyway its time for lunch come on Bernie come and join the boyz and lets have some glorious food we stole off the hairy footed midgets we bumped into, and then we can discuss the domination of the greenskins and Orcageddon. And with that a new chapter in the Geddon saga was ready to play out.